Chamomile Tea

My First Cereal

2010-03-05T09:51:00.000-08:00

A Video For Pop-Pop

2010-02-25T11:28:00.000-08:00

One Tubby Tubby

2010-02-08T10:36:00.001-08:00

Hi Honey,

Here are the baby fat pictures I promised you. I weighed him this morning. He's a whopping 13lb. 14oz.

This is a cute picture. He wants you to hold him sitting upright so he can look around. I had to change him out of this sleeper because it was too small...he couldn't straighten his legs.

I put him in this 6 month sleeper so he could straighten his legs, but then the sleeves are too long. Little Niblet looks like a T-Rex. Hard to believe he is only 7 weeks old.

Baby Shower Pictures

2009-11-24T14:29:00.001-08:00

A Boy Sharpens Pencils

2009-11-18T07:24:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when you ask a guy to sharpen the pencils for his baby shower. No electric pencil sharpener available? No problem. He will just go get a drill.

Ultrasound Video

2009-10-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

Hi Honey,

We had the 4D ultrasound today. The technician recorded the entire 20 minute session. Since that is way too much to upload here, and since I am computer illiterate, I pointed my camera at the screen and recorded 1 minute for you. It was the good part, where Little Niblet kept trying to find his thumb to suck on it and had no luck.

He has changed so much since the last ultrasound. He is beautiful. Look at those chubby cheeks. And that little turned up nose. I wish you were here to share all this stuff with us.

CAUTION: Music comes blaring on half way through, sorry.

Nursery and Nesting

2009-09-27T14:56:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

I got the nursery finished. I added the picture frames and the shelf since Labor Day when you saw it. The three frames have my kids' hospital pictures in them. We want the little guy to know that everybody looks that way in their hospital picture. The giraffe is scaring me a little bit and I may replace him if I find a cuter one. But other than that, I like the way it turned out.

No, that's not a door to his own private bathroom. It's the door to grandma and grandpa's room just in case little guy gets skeerd in the middle of the night.

I don't know what you guys are talking about. Me and Pop-Pop have not gone overboard on the baby clothes.

I thought Pop-Pop would come home and stop me, but no, he was an enabler. It was his idea to go ahead and get the stroller and car seat combo. It was on sale, after all. He picked out more than one of those little outfits so you can't blame it all on me.

I will only admit to being slightly obsessed with the itty bitty teeny tiny baby shoes. Aren't they the cutest?

She is nesting like crazy today. She has been washing baby clothes and sorting and organizing all day. Just a little less than 3 months now, Honey, and we are going to be a grandma and grandpa. Time is going to go soooo slooooow.

Smiling Newborns

2009-09-14T07:28:00.000-07:00

Is there anything sweeter than a smiling newborn? I can't believe I'm a Great Aunt. He is so much fun, I could just sit and hold him all day.

Emily was holding him and made him smile...aww.

Kristen, you look really beautiful holding that baby. Was that not subtle?

RIP Starbuck

2009-08-21T07:27:00.000-07:00

We lost Starbuck yesterday. It was a very sad day in our house. He was 13 1/2. Here he is doing his favorite thing, sunbathing.
He had been with us since he was 6 weeks old. We will miss him very much and it will take some getting used to not having him around.

My First Great Nephew

2009-08-13T14:11:00.001-07:00

Congratulations Devan!

You look amazing considering you had a baby 3 hours before I took this picture. How precious is this? That's 6 lb. 2 oz. of pure sweetness right there.

Sylvester's New Digs

2009-07-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Hi Honey,

We moved Sylvester from inside the house to the pond. I think he is digging his new digs. What do you think? He's on top of the rock working on his tan right now.

Remember that seahorse tank I got on Sunday? I found the tiniest, baby, blue starfish in it today. I had to really zoom in and he is still difficult to see. He is right in the middle of the picture. He is only about the size of the top of an ink pen. We would have thought he was just part of the coral if he hadn't moved.

The male (or so we are calling him) kept getting stuck to the intake and he was getting distressed, so I put a big, ugly plastic plant in front of it. Then I put a piece of pantyhose over the output side to reduce the current that was beating him up. I think everyone is a lot happier now. Even the coral.

Seahorses for My Birthday!!

2009-07-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

Years ago, we had a couple of saltwater fish tanks and really liked them, but they were a lot of work. My favorite critters in the tank were by far the seahorses and I have been saying for a long time that I would like to get another tank and put only seahorses in it.

I found a place in Dayton that sold saltwater fish and, since Emily and I had been wanting to go to Friendly's for awhile, we decided to go to Dayton and check it out. To make a long story short, we ended up with a 6 gallon saltwater table top aquarium with 2 seahorses, 3 snails, and a couple of pieces of beautiful coral.

If you watch the video, you will see that the one we are calling the "boy" seahorse is quite entertaining and you will know why we think he is a boy.

Senior Pictures

2009-07-14T18:12:00.001-07:00

Hi Honey,

We got Emily's proofs today. These three poses are the ones we chose to have in the package.

I bet you can tell which one is her favorite...and why.

Congratulations, Devan

2009-07-12T10:57:00.001-07:00

I am happy to report that my only niece is having a baby this summer. The funnest part of having a baby is the baby shower. Right, Devan?

There is nothing cuter than a round, pregnant belly. Can you tell it's a boy?

*******************

The best part about having a dog is the emergency clean up when you drop your plate of food. Right, Emily?

Lulu in the Pool

2009-06-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

We found something he will eat

2009-06-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

Hi Honey. We found something Sylvester will eat...yay!

We were getting pretty worried about him since we bought him 4 days earlier and couldn't get him to eat anything. He certainly didn't like the floating pellets they told us to feed him. I also tried a bit of canned dog food, but he wouldn't eat that either.

So Em offered him a tiny bit of boiled chicken and he loved it. By the time, I remembered to grab the camera and get some video for you, he was getting pretty full. So in the video, he's slowing down, but he's still really cute how he eats.

We took him outside for a bit of sunshine and he loved it. He climbed up on his rock and stretched out all his little limbs like he was sunbathing. He will be alot happier when he gets big enough to go into the pond.

Enjoy the video!

Leslie's First Fight

2009-06-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

Leslie had her first fight on Saturday. Shake hands and play nice, girls.

Or NOT!

The little thing was a bit more wirey than Lester expected.

She dominated the entire round, though.

Not bad for your very first fight...EVER! You go girl!!

Big John's New Grill

2009-05-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Big John is having a BIG birthday in about two weeks. I tried to surprise him with a new grill a few years back, but someone inadvertantly gave away the surprise. I won't mention any names, but you know who you are, Kristen.

So this year, he is in for a big surprise. Here is a picture of his new grill. I hope he doesn't want to cook a huge slab of ribs.

Prom Night

2009-05-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

So that you can experience the full sigh and sniff moment, I offer you this picture of The Prude that was taken just yesterday.

Prom was last night. Here is a picture of The Prude and her boyfriend. Boo hoo, hoo...sniff. I want my baby back.

How in the world did she go from adorable to drop dead beautiful overnight?

They went to dinner and prom with another couple. They all looked fabulous, dahling.

I remember when it was just me kissing those cheeks. Where is the rewind button? I gotta go back in time. This is my last baby.

I grin like that when she kisses my cheek, too. Though it's not nearly often enough anymore.

I liked this picture. His grin is pretty darn adorable.

Why can't we just go back to this point in time? I apologize, honey, for having made you wear that ridiculous tuft on your head. I understand why you pick out your own clothing and accessories. Looking at your prom pictures, I see now that you are much better at it than I.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrel

2009-05-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

I was standing in the kitchen and saw a black lab in my backyard. My daughter, my dil, and I, along with my daughter's dog, Cash, hurried out the back door. The interloping dog ran to the fence and CLIMBED it...quickly.

Why would a dog go through such an effort to get into my backyard, you ask. Because our precious little baby Lulu Belle, who is not even ten months old yet, decided to become a woman dog this week.

I had no idea what those dirty rotten scoundrel boy dogs were capable of. Who knew they could actually climb fences. Now Lulu is not allowed to go outside unless one of us, along with her brother Cash, goes outside with her. After all, somebody's got to protect her honor.

Lulu can't help it she is an irresistable sexy beast. Grr, Baby, grr.
I can't imagine what an English Bulldog, black lab combo would look like, but it can't be too pretty.

Why Haven't You Blogged Lately?

2009-04-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

Why haven't you blogged lately? That is what my daughter asked me today.

I have been busy, of course. For a 53 second peek into my super-hectic day, click on the play button below. I am apologizing in advance for being a foot wiggler.

Yeah, That's Going On The Blog

2009-04-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

Do you see what I see? Take a "gander" at this picture and see if you can spot why I had to post it. Try to figure it out for a minute before I tell you.It's not exactly a gander. It's a duck. A female to be exact, probably with a nest of eggs somewhere. She is perfectly intact...except for the fact that she is dead and she is stuck in the car. Can you see her right there next to the license plate? Her head is hanging down, bill pointing to the ground. One of her wings is right there next to the license plate.

I don't even know what to say about the driver of this car other than what the freak is wrong with you? I can understand possibly not knowing that she is stuck in there, but how can you not know that you have hit a full grown mallard?

I was with my daughter and her friend when we saw this lovely display on a warm, sunny day. Kind of put a dark cloud over everything for the rest of the afternoon.

I Miss My Bloggy Buddies

2009-04-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

But look at this little sweetie. I get to spend time with him until he and his mommy go home on Sunday.

I knew Les and I would fight over who gets to hold the baby, but I never expected Heath to be the one that would take him and not give him back. I think he might be falling deeper into my evil plot to get a grandbaby.

I think he looks right at home holding the baby, a natural, if you will.

The baby is teaching Lulu the 10 Little Indians song. Isn't that adorable?

I will be back on Monday visiting all my bloggy buddies again. I am missing everyone, but I have to spend quality time with my houseguests because I don't know how long it will be until I get to see them again.

How To Tell If You're Driving Too Fast

2009-04-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

A Small Chocolate Twist, Please

2009-04-17T11:49:00.001-07:00

You don't see one of these coming towards you on the street everyday. I don't know where he is going or what he is doing, or even what the hell he is for that matter, but it looks like my kind of party. Hey, where are you going? Can I get a small chocolate twist?

Does this look like the company you work for?

Redneck Woman Dirty Joke

2009-04-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

Three redneck women were sitting on the front porch sofa one afternoon, discussing string beans and chicken feed, when the conversation got around to their husbands.

"This is gettin' purdy confusin'," said the first redneck woman, "Since all our husbands' names are Jim-Bob."

"Yeah," said the second redneck woman, "Reckon we oughtta come up with nicknames fer 'em."

"Good idear," said the third redneck woman, looking down at the bottle of Coca-Cola in her hand, "How's about we name 'em after soda pops?"

The other two nodded and, after a few minutes of thinking, the first redneck woman offered, "I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Mountain Dew', 'cause when he's doin' me, he's doin' it right."

"I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Seven Up'," said the second redneck woman, "Cause he can do me seven times and still be up for more."

"Then I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Jack Daniels'," said the third redneck woman.

"You can't name your Jim-Bob Jack Daniels," protested the other two, that's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor."

"I know," said the third redneck woman with a sly grin.

I'm Having a Baby...

2009-04-14T13:20:00.001-07:00

...come stay with me for a week. Gotcha!

I'm so excited. Look at this little guy. Isn't he the cutest? His mommy is a friend of the family and she is bringing him on Sunday and they are staying for a little vacay. Yay!

I feel a bit sorry for the little guy, though. After spending a week with me, he will probably have a nervous condition from dodging me and chapped cheeks from the kisses I land when he is unable to get out of my way fast enough. See that worried look on his face? That was right after his mom told him about their little trip to West Chester.

After a week of my constant unwanted affection, the kid will be begging is mom to take him home, away from the crazy redhead lady. Since I got this perm, I hope I don't cause him to be riddled with a lifetime of nightmares involving insane clowns chasing him with kissy-lips.

*****
You know all about Papaw's big birthday bash on Saturday. He received several cards full of cash and this is what he put that money towards. That's right, a new camper. Isn't that what every 90-year-old needs for his birthday?
He did need a new one, though, his is pretty worn out. In the 60 years that he has been camping at the National Muzzle Loading Rifle Association campground in Friendship, Indiana, he has gone through 2 or 3 campers.

I'll do a post sometime on his passion for muzzle loaders and how he can throw a tomahawk and split a playing card in half. Who needs guns when you can scalp an intruder from 30 feet?

Showering for the Sexes

2009-04-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -make mental note to do more sit-ups, leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "Woo Woo!" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how it sounds like a whale surfacing.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair, making a shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "Woo Woo!" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Have a great day! And, "Woo Woo"!!!

A Big Shindig

2009-04-12T06:04:00.000-07:00

You don't turn 90 every day, so when Papaw turned 90, we had to have a shindig. His four children rented the UAW hall and yesterday we threw a PAR-TAY!
We erected a shrine in his honor.

A picture of the Lester with the birthday boy.

The ham thief didn't know he was under surveillance. He is very stealthy and thought no one was looking when he slipped into the kitchen. Here he is trying to weigh the possible consequences of his actions.

Screw it! It's worth it. Who's the idiot that forgot to cut the tag off the back of his hat? Oh wait, that'd be me.

Yeah, baby, so worth it. So very deliciously worth it.

I don't know which is funnier, the candle falling over or the balloons growing out of my cousin's head. My super-awesome Aunt Carol is on the far left, my hilarious cousin, my sweetie pie sister-in-law, then my rockin' redhead mom. Of course Granny Grump and Papaw are at the table.

I love kids, they keep the party going. This is my cousin's youngest son. I wonder where he gets that sense of humor. Hmm....any ideas, cuz?

Just one little push and all my troubles could be over. 65 years of marriage, I've paid my dues.

Easter egg hunts are so much better with a baby. Even if they prefer dandelions over Easter eggs.

Papaw was a hard-working man. His name is on a plaque of Fisher Body (aka, GM) retirees in the union hall. He was employed for 30 years. He has now been retired for 32 years. The black dot means he is still kickin'. Thank you, God.

"How old were you when you retired, Papaw?" I asked him while we were looking at the plaque.

"I was 58," he said, "They had to shut the plant down when I left."
That's my Papaw!

This is my favorite picture of Papaw. He was around 25 years old. Those eyes! That smile! No wonder Granny Grump married him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPAW!

A Couple of Church Jokes

2009-04-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

Since many of us will be gracing the church with our presence at some point this weekend, I thought I would leave you with a couple of cute jokes.

NO EXCUSES SUNDAY

To make it possible for everyone to attend church Sunday, we are having a special "No Excuse Sunday".

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say that Sunday is their only day to sleep in.

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who say that the pews are too hard for them to sit on.

Doctors and nurses will be here for people who are planning to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

ADAM AND EVE

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What's wrong, Adam?"

Adam said that he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God announced he was going to make for him a companion. It would be called a woman.

"A woman?"Adam asked.

Then God described her, "She will be someone to cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to care for them. This woman will not nag you and will always be the first to admit when she is wrong. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever you need it."

"What is she going to cost me, God?" Adam asked.

"An arm and a leg," God responded.

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

Breastfeeding Joke

2009-04-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

I loved all of the responses to the "What do they call you ?" post. All the names were so adorable, I loved reading them, but I think I'm going to have to go with Debbie at Suburb Sanity and have my grandkids (if I ever get any) call me Mimi Kim. Because that sounds like a really fun place to go, "Yay! We're going to Mimi Kim's!"

The only drawback to that name is that it doesn't sound very tough if the kid is being picked on, "If you're mean to me, I am going to have my Mimi Kim kick your butt," is probably not going to make a bully quake in his boots.

That's okay, we will leave the butt kicking to Pop Pop.

On that note, I leave you with this:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

This isn't why I want to be a Grandma but hey, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

The Secret of the CAT Scan et al.

2009-04-08T06:40:00.001-07:00

A couple of years ago, I found myself getting a CAT scan. If you're unfamiliar, it is the one where they inject the dye into your veins and slide you through the spinning donut. As they are getting ready to inject the dye, the technician said to me, "You will probably feel very warm from the dye."

That was only a half-truth. I got very warm all right, but it zeroed in on one spot. Right between my legs.

I didn't say anything to them about it until exactly one month later, I was in the hospital and being wheeled down to get another CAT scan when I said to the little girl pushing me, "CAT scans are weird, they make your girly bits really hot."

"That only happens to some people," she said, "One day we had a teenage boy in here and, as soon as we started injecting the dye, he screamed, 'My balls are on fire! My balls are on fire!"

So if you're ever told you are going to be getting a CAT scan, be warned. You may get some heat you were not expecting. This has been a public service announcement.
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My New Do

I don't know if it was spring fever or I was just missing Big John and wanted to make him happy, but I did something drastic. This is what my hair looked like when we got married 15 years ago.
I think he has a thing for redheads, check out his dog.

So yesterday, I went through this torture.
Check out my adorable DIL in the mirror taking the picture.

And ended up with this today.

I'm diggin' it. I feel very Bohemian. "I'm just a poor boy from a poor family" Sorry, I'm a little manic today, as you can tell by all the little random posts.
***********

A Joke You Can Tell the Kiddies

If April showers bring May flowers, what do may flowers bring?

The pilgrims!

***********
Help a Girl Out

Does anybody out there know where I can find that commercial, I can't locate it on YouTube, it's for some kind of peanut butter. It was made back in the 70's I think. It's the one where the kid says, "You're weird!" then the guy says "Yeah, but I make a great peanut butter sandwich."

I don't even remember which peanut butter it was, it may have been that Goober peanut butter that had the jelly in with it.

Every day one of my kids says to me, "You're weird." And I always reply with "Yeah, but I make a great peanut butter sandwich." They never get it because they haven't seen the commercial.

So if you know where I can find it, or even the name of the brand of peanut butter, please let me know.

What do they call you?

2009-04-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

It is no secret that I want a grandbaby and, around here at least, I mention it almost every day. I am trying to decide what I want the little stinkers to call me. If you have grandkids, what do they call you? If you don't, what do your kids call their grandparents? I have tried a couple of names on, but nothing seems to fit.

Big J was always lukewarm about the whole grandbaby thing, he felt that if we had them that was okay, but if we didn't, that was okay too. Until I asked him want he wanted to be called.

"I never thought about it," he said.

"I think you should have them call you Pop Pop," I said, "You look like a Pop Pop."

He got a big smile on his face and I swear I saw a little tear in the corner of his eye, "Yeah."

I must have gotten him on the grandbaby bandwagon with that because a week later we were in Cracker Barrel and I was oohing and aahing over all the cute kid stuff and said, "I kind of want my first grandbaby to be a girl so I can play Cinderella castles. Although, I really do enjoy playing with Lincoln Logs. Which do you want, Honey?"

"I couldn't care less," he said, "I just wish they'd through something at us."

Mwah ha ha ha...got him. He's on my side now.

Since calling me You Look Too Young To Be My Grandma Kim is too much for a little kid to say, I need to know what your grandkids call you. Or what did you call your grandparents?

What Does It For You?

2009-04-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

I am a student of human nature. It's amazing how people are exactly alike in some ways and completely different in others, especially in what they find attractive in another person. So I hope you humor me and play along.

Fill in the blank: I really have a thing for _______. For example, I really have a thing for sexy hands. When I met my husband, I thought he had the perfect hands. I looked at those hands and thought, I can't wait to have those hands all over me. Sorry kids.

I made the mistake of telling him one day while he was hammering something out back that watching him swing that hammer with those big strong hands was gettin' me all stirred up. Now he always makes the hammering gesture and says, "This doing anything for you?" Sorry again kids.

My good friend said once, "There is just something about a guy with tanned feet. I have a thing for tanned feet, it really does it for me."

For my eldest daughter, it's smell, "Nothing turns me on more than a great smelling guy."

I asked my youngest, "Is there one thing that you really like on a guy? Like"

And before I could get it all out, she says, "Like being a vampire?"

"You need help."

"No really," she said, "it's shoulders."

"Big shoulders?"

"Yes, big, strong shoulders," she said with a sigh and a smile.

So what does it for you? I realize it's a total package, blah blah blah, but is there one thing that "does it" for you?

5 Quick Questions Part 2

2009-04-04T05:38:00.000-07:00

Why can't I find the button for the cloaking device on my car? I know I have one because I have accidentally activated it on several occasions.
Leslie wants to know, why do all of the old guys at the hospital deliberately show you their junk, but the hot, young, guys hang onto their boxers until their knuckles turn white?
How many double stuffed oreos is too many?
Why do I think of this commercial every time I see my husband naked?
Why won't he do the "tricky part" when I ask him to?

"I'm going to try crazy on and see how it fits." - Nikki Payne

Pain

2009-04-03T07:17:00.000-07:00

A woman, aged 48, stabbed her 75 year old mother, killing her, then stabbed herself in the neck and died shortly after paramedics arrived. This happened IN MY SUBDIVISION last week. What is so postworthy about that, you wonder. First, nothing ever happens in West Chester. In fact, that is the teenage battle cry heard in every Starbucks, Burger King and movie theater, "Nothing ever happens in West Chester!"

Second, how the hell do you stab yourself in the neck? If you are going to do yourself in, there are plenty more painless ways to do it. How can a person stab themselves? That has got to hurt like an s.o.b., as we used to say. We have all seen those hospital reality shows where the guy stabs himself in the chest, then goes to the hospital with the pulsating butcher knife sticking out between his ribs and lives to tell about it. Couldn't he think of something less painful?

I get a paper cut and I'm calling the doctor for some Vicodin. I clip my toenail too short and I'm getting the Neosporin, a bandaid, and sympathy for two days. "Ahh, Emmie, mommie can't get up. I clipped my toenail too short. Would you get me a Diet Coke?"

The dentist? I never go, and when I am forced to, I go to the guy that gives me the happy nose. That's right, getting a cleaning? The happy nose. "But ma'am, you're just here to pay your bill." I don't care!! Give me the nitrous!

The Question of the Day: If Viagra works by making the body produce Nitric Oxide (NO), and a guy goes to the dentist and gets Nitrous Oxide (N2O), does he get an erection while he's getting his teeth filled? "Hey Mr. Smith...looks like you got a little happy nose of your own!"

Prude or Vixen?

2009-04-02T05:49:00.000-07:00

My youngest daughter, age 17, is a prude. Not just a prude but an ultra prude. I haven't been allowed in a department store dressing room with her since she was 8. I haven't seen her naked since she was 7. Talk of bodily functions? Forget it. If the kid were being rushed to the emergency room in an ambulance, she wouldn't tell the emts the last time she went pooh. I have never heard her fart, ever, I don't think she does. You get the picture.

I took the 2 female sappers-of-my-youth to lunch and during our discussion of books, I said to the eldest, "You wouldn't like that other book I picked up, it had S&M in it."

"What's S&M?"

As I start giving her the watered down, in public, PG-13, generalized definition of sado-masochism, the Prude sticks her fingers in her ears, as usual, and starts, "La la la la."

"Oh, yeah, I saw something like that on the Playboy channel one night," says the Eldest casually.

More "La la la la" from the Prude.

"It was called 'Men In Bondage'."

The Prude's ears perk up and she looks up from her salad, "Men in bondage?" A grinch-like grin forms and there is a definite twinkle in her eye, "I never thought of that!"

Should I be worried? Am I going to come home one day to find the boyfriend shackled to the wall in a makeshift dungeon in my basement? It could be worse, I guess, Em could be the M.

Eat Up, Ladies

2009-04-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

I read an article yesterday that stated that losing as little as 10 pounds can make you look 4 years older. It said that the plumper cheeks and the softer features gave a more youthful appearance. Yay! Score one for us eaters! Woo Hoo!

There is also a quote from a plastic surgeon that states that "People who are trying to stay stick-thin lose weight from their face sooner than they would otherwise and this is extremely ageing".

"This volume loss can be compounded by yo-yo dieting, where not only do you create volume loss, but also stretching of the facial supporting ligaments due to repeated facial volume gain and loss, which causes deeper nose-to-mouth lines and jowls.

To prove my point, Exhibit A, who looks better, the girl on the left or the girl on the right?

I say let's stay fat and sassy, and look younger too. Anybody want to go out for some hot fudge cake?

Meet the Shebunkins

2009-03-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

The pond finally cleared up with the new filter and pump so we went to the pet store to get a couple of inhabitants to liven things up a bit.
These guys are actually little koi, I just like saying shebunkins. It's fun. Say it with me, she-bunk-ins. Meet Goldie Hawn, Shel Silverstein and Golda Meir.

This is Jeff Goldblum and Tiger Woods. These two are a little bigger than the other three. Jeff Goldblum was one feisty character, he kept jumping up completely out of the water in the bag. I think we could train him to jump through hoops.

You can see Shel Silverstein a little bit better here. He is in the lead, followed by Goldie Hawn and Golda Meir. They were very happy to get out of that little fishtank and into a pond.

Tiger Woods and Jeff Goldblum weren't sure which way they wanted to go.

I have to string fishing line around the pond. That's about the only legal way to keep the crane out. They don't land directly in the pond, they land away from it then walk over and step into it. If their skinny legs touch the fishing line, it startles them and they fly away. One did get tangled in the fishing line once and I was freaked out because I wasn't about to go near that thing. That guy's beak could have went right through me. I was relieved when he freed himself after struggling for a few seconds.

***********

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

I caught these two under the kitchen table in a little love embrace. I thought they didn't like each other. All they do is chase and bite and wrestle and fight.

Oh well, like Sheriff Andy Taylor said, "One man's fightin' is another man's dancin'."

Beever Pictures

2009-03-30T07:37:00.001-07:00

I am always jealous of artists because I have no ability whatsoever, so I was impressed with Julian Beever, a famous artist from the UK. All of the pictures here were done IN CHALK on the sidewalks of busy streets all over the world. They are 3-dimensional when viewed from the correct angle.

Can you spot Julian on top of the beer bottle?

If I were walking down this sidewalk, I would walk around for fear of falling in.

Politicians falling into a hole.

Incredible! This one is my favorite.

How cute is this little red haired girl looking into the picture?

******************

Heard around our house:

"I just got done poop scooping the backyard and you wouldn't believe the sh*t that was in that sh*t."

"Hey, did you know goob is boog spelled backwards, she said, thrilled with the discovery. Do you think I've been reading too much today?"

Em: "It's ominous out here." Me: "And foreboding."

7 Weird Things

2009-03-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

Randi, over at Foreign Quang tagged me for this meme. I was supposed to do 7 facts about me. But I figured you guys already knew more about me than you ever really wanted to, so I changed it to 7 weird facts about me.

There are many rules I am supposed to follow for this meme, but since I'm a nonconformist, and I don't want to put anyone on the spot, I am not going to follow them. I hope everyone who reads this post will play along. You can do 7 facts of any type you like, they don't have to be weird.

I was born during a lunar eclipse. At least this is what I was told, I don't really remember it.
My favorite emotion is laughing and being grossed out at the same time.
I don't like making left hand turns and if there is more than two lanes of traffic to cross, I will turn right and "go around the block".
I believe that Mel Brooks and Carol Burnett were comedic geniuses that should have gotten together and had little super-human baby comedic geniuses.
I like weird movies that nobody else likes.
If someone tells me not to read or see something because it is too controversial, then I absolutely have to do it. I can't stop myself.
I cannot tolerate gruesome, bloody, violent movies, especially torture movies and I don't understand parents who won't let their kids watch a movie where a man touches a woman's breast, but they will let them watch movies where they cut it off with a chainsaw.

Here is a picture John sent me of some guys he works with.

Can you imagine the conversation that went along with the ordering of this cake?

"Duh...let me see if I got this right. Uhh...you wanted...uhhh...Best Wishes Suzanne....and underneat that....uhhh...we will miss you?"

Oops! He did it again Part 2

2009-03-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

Remember when I did this post back in January when my son got back from his cruise, where he saw a man have a heart attack at the airport? And I told you that he has found himself in the middle of the action on several occasions?

Well....

He saw this accident yesterday as it actually happened. The elderly woman driving the car came out of it unscathed, fortunately.

After the last post, he left a comment that I had forgotten about the time when he, along with his sister, saw that girl get t-boned and pulled her out of her car, unconscience, with blood coming out of her eyes.

I would like to tell you how many times this has happened to him, but I have lost count. The kid should be a journalist and carry a video camera with him everywhere.

Granny Grump Dictionary

2009-03-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

I've got to find this Wagner guy and hit him up for some royalties because this IS my grandmother. He couldn't have duplicated her better if he had lived with her all his life. She even looks like this.We have called her Granny Grump for twenty years and she doesn't mind it one bit, in fact, she likes it. She is 84 years old and has her own way of talking. I will attempt to interpret.

Didn't know whether to shit or go blind = confused

Didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of = broke

Hotter'n a two dollar pistol = stolen

Greener'n a frog = upset stomach

Half-assed = not very thoroughly

One day, after she had used one of her favorite expressions, "I'm just givin' it a lick and a promise", which means doing something half-assed, usually housework, I said to my cousin, "I don't think Granny Grump knows that really means something naughty, or else she wouldn't say it."

"Oh...she knows what it means," said my cousin.

"How do you know?" I asked.

My cousin says, "Because one day somebody told a joke about a lady who got jewelry every time she gave her husband a bj. Then I said 'I never got any jewely for giving my husband a bj'. Then Granny Grump said 'Maybe you weren't doing it right'."

Ahh....delete delete delete...thanks Cuz..delete delete...how am I ever going to get that image out of my brain?...delete delete.

A Note from the Grave and a Question

2009-03-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

I went to the thrift store yesterday to look for books. They have a lot of books, I was there an hour and didn't poke through even half of them. They just throw them on the shelves, they don't sort them or censor them or anything so you can find some weird and funny stuff there and, I'm not afraid to say, I dig me some weird and funny.

I picked up a couple of titles that caught my attention, writings I will regale you with in future posts, no doubt, and inside one small paperback, was this note. I found it deep in the middle of the book, close to the spine, typed on a notecard, now yellowed around the edges.

In case you can't read it, it says:
"Hope you both enjoy this as much as we have. Its good stuff too. Sorry my time is spent as I sure could have won a lot more of the tiffs than I did. Love, Dad."

I guess Dad thought that the kid, now grown and married, would read his books after he died and find this note. The kid must not have been too interested in Dad's books because this note probably would have been kept had it been found.

I am glad it wasn't found, because I really like this guy. Not only does he have a great sense of humor, it's a morbid one to boot. Awesome.

*********

Ladieeeees and Gennnnnnntlemen, it's time to play WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?

You are in line, with your spouse and daughter, to pay at a buffet style restaurant. Your daughter, age 17, orders a cup of coffee as her drink. The lady getting the drinks looks accusingly at her and at you and, with a look of disgust, says to her, "Aren't you too young to be drinking coffee?" As her parent, what would you have said?

Matt Damon Does Matthew McConaughey

2009-03-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

I hope you guys haven't seen this video yet, I haven't seen it on any other blogs. It makes me smile every time I watch it. It may be because I think Matt Damon looks a bit like my son.

Vanilla Post

2009-03-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

The video I posted earlier today, which I found on YouTube, apparently was upsetting to some readers, so, since that is not the purpose of my blog, I deleted it.

I will return with a post tomorrow that is more vanilla and acceptable to all.

My Favorite Clean Joke

2009-03-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

I shared my favorite dirty joke so here's my favorite clean one:

A couple of years ago, my uncle died. My aunt didn't have enough money to pay for the funeral herself, so she asked my father for help.

"Of course, I'll help," Dad said, "I'll pay for the entire funeral."

So dad ended up paying for the entire funeral because he didn't want my aunt to be financially strapped. About a month later, dad started getting these bills in the mail, from my aunt, for a little over a hundred dollars.

He called my aunt and said, "Listen, I didn't mind paying for the funeral, but what are these bills for over a hundred dollars a month?"

"Oh that," my aunt said, "yeah...I buried him in a rented tux."

Flashback Friday

2009-03-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

Everybody go over to Tara's at TMI and join in on the Flashback Friday fun. Her blog is always interesting, never boring, her daughter is a cutie patootie and Tara is gorgeous.

This picture is a very good example of my teenage brattiness. I was 13 when we moved from town to our house "out in the country". And it was. It was a little house with several outbuildings on five acres stuck right smack dab in the middle of a cornfield, about a 20 minute drive into town.

When we moved, I took my little dog with me. She was a stray I had picked up in town, a small, yellow dog with longish hair.

One day, when we came home, there were three strange dogs wandering around behind our house.

"Do NOT let your dog out," my mom said, "She is evidently in heat."

Isn't that amazing how dogs can smell that from miles away and find their way to your house? I had never seen any of these dogs before. There were only 4 other houses on this road and I was pretty sure that those dogs didn't belong to any of them.

"When you put her out to go to the bathroom, lock her in the chicken coop until she's done," she said, "The last thing we need is a litter of puppies."

Puppies?! Did she say puppies?! Puppies! Puppies! I love puppies! Yay puppies!

"Okay," I said.

No sooner had she left for work the next morning, I doubt she was out of the driveway, in my juvenile selfishness, I let the dog out. That poor little dog.

Two months later, this was what we got:

If you count them, there are 11, not quite an even dozen. That little dog's belly was so massive, when she rolled over for me to rub it, she couldn't get turned back upright. I did feel guilty after she had them and her little belly was covered with scratches and hickeys. But fortunately, because we knew so many people from having the store, we were able to find good homes for all of them. Being from a small town, you know the good homes from the bad.

Did you know that dogs can have more than one baby daddy? If you look at that picture, some of them looked like border collies, some looked like beagles, and I think there may have been a couple of cocker spaniels.

P.S. Mom wanted to kill me.

Hey, Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans......hahahah

My Favorite Dirty Joke

2009-03-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have heard many dirty jokes over the years, but this one is by far my favorite. You have to picture two southern belles sitting on the front porch of a huge Georgian mansion having a private conversation away from the crowd. You have to read it with a heavy, southern, Scarlett O'Hara accent.

Beth: "Did you know, that up north (say nawth), they have men that kiss other men's genitals....and they call them gay?"

Mary, rapidly flipping her lace fan : "Oh my."

Beth, leaning in a little further: "And did you know, that up nawth, they have women who kiss other women's genitals...and they call them lesbians?"

Mary, fanning herself more rapidly: "Oh my!"

Beth: "And did you know, that up nawth, they have men who kiss women's genitals?"

Mary, abruptly stopping her fanning: "Well, what do they call them?"

Beth: "I don't know. But when I was up nawth...and I caught my breath...I called him Precious!"

Variety Pack

2009-03-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

Back in January, I was visiting my son at his house. We were sitting around the kitchen table, waiting for my DIL to get home from work, when my son looks up and says, "Ooh, look at that gigantic cobweb." He gets up from the table and proceeds to do the following:

This definitely fell under the, "Hang on, I gotta get a picture of this," category. I think I was prouder of him at that moment than I was when he graduated from college (kidding). He got up and cleared the cobwebs and didn't wait for his wife to get home and do it. Ladies, don't give up on these boys, here is proof that there is hope after all.

******

My oldest daughter, Leslie (we call her Les or Lester if we want to annoy her), is a Scrabble addict. She is also cutthroat, she wants to win at whatever the cost and if she doesn't (which is rare), you will be playing again. Emily, who is her complete polar opposite, would rather have her fingernails ripped out than to play Scrabble.
On this day, Emily looked over Leslie's shoulder and said, "Oh look, you can almost spell platypus. That's my third favorite word."

Okay, I'll bite, I said, "What's your first favorite?"

"Biscuit. Then face."

"You know what?" I said, "I don't even want to know."

"Biscuit because it rolls off your tongue. Say it with me bissssssss kit. Face because you can put any word in front of it. And platypus, well, who doesn't love platypus?"

******

If you are a grown-up and only if you are a grown-up, and you like Twilight, you will love this book. You think the cover looks hot, you should read what's inside. It's an adult vampire novel and it is goooooood.

There is a disclaimer on the back. Ooh la la!

******
Yesterday, the weather was so wonderful, in the 70's, we couldn't bear to stay indoors, so we thought we would go play a little miniature golf. I caught sight of something I have never seen before and will probably never see again.

If you knew how these girls fight, you would know that seeing this was about as likely as seeing the Loch Ness Monster. I frantically dug in my purse looking for my camera, fearing it would disappear just as quickly.

Pet Rats and Thank-you Daddy

2009-03-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

Warning: This post contains dirty words. If you are offended by cuss words, please do not continue reading.

I am going to convey a conversation that we had with some friends over the summer as closely as I can remember it. I have never laughed so hard at anything in my life that wasn't done by professionals on the comedy channel.

What made it so funny to me is that I am a very shy person. When I am in public, I don't ever like to draw attention to myself by talking loud or cussing and even when we are just together here with friends there are certain words I wouldn't say. I say them in front of my immediate family, of course, but that's it. This particular couple is the exact opposite. They are full of loud stories and they always crack me up.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Tina: "When we lived over on Xyz Street, those kids next door had a couple of pet rats. Yuck. I don't know why you would ever want a rat for a pet in the first place. One day, they got out of their cage."

Me: "Ew."

Tina: "They only caught one of them, and the other one was loose for a long time."

Me: "Ugh."

Tina: "One morning, I got up to go to the bathroom and, just as I was sitting down on the toilet, I looked over and saw that big rat sitting there, sitting straight up looking right at me. I screamed as loud as I could for Mark and it ran away."

Mark: "That was because that big pussy scared it away."

Uncontrollable laughter from John and me. Partly because it was funny, partly because we couldn't believe he said it.

Tina: "Marcus!!"

Mark: "That was some Tom and Jerry shit right there, man, I tell ya."

I can't think about that without laughing. And I still can't believe he said it.

******************

I got a package in the mail today. I wasn't expecting anything, but when I saw the return address was from Florida, I knew it was from my dad. I opened it, and inside was a bunch of Estee Lauder stuff.

Inside that orange bag, there is a bunch of makeup samples. I looked all through the bag and didn't find a note or card or anything. No big surprise, there never is, that's how he operates.

Hmm, why did he send me this out of the clear, blue sky...it's not my birthday or anything...he must have just been thinking about me...aww, that is so sweet...thank-you, daddy...I love you, daddy.

Wait a minute...hold the phone...I know what you're up to...you know it is almost spring break time for the girls...you want us to come to Florida...I'm on to you Mister...I've got your number...you are sooo sneaky....you think you know how to press my buttons...you think you can spend 100 bucks on some sweet surprises and then I will spend 1,000 on a trip for me and the girls to come to Florida...I am so onto you.

See you next month...

Been Gone Too Long

2009-03-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

When John was home, he admitted something to me that he shouldn't have. I didn't see it, so he could have gotten away with it without me ever finding out. He had to know it would end up on my blog mwah...ha...ha...ha.

I was standing at the kitchen sink, finishing the last of the dishes. I had the little light on above my head.

J: "I think I've been away from home too much."

Me: "What do you mean?"

J: "I re-wired that light yesterday."

Me: "Why?"

J: "I flipped the switch and it didn't come on, so I put a new lightbulb in it."

Me: "Yeah."

J: "It still didn't come on, so I took the switch apart and check it and tightened the wires."

Me: "You did? Where was I?"

J: "You were in the shower. Then, I tried the switch again and it still didn't work, so I took the light fixture down. I checked the wires and pulled them off and re-wired the light. It still didn't work."

Me: "It's working fine now."

J: "I know... I was flipping the wrong switch."

Me: "Hahahahah."

J: "I was flipping the one on the left that controls the dishwasher and nothing was happening."

Me: "Hahahaha, yeah, it's the one on the right behind the coffee pot."

J: "Yeah, I know."

Me: "We've lived here for 15 years."

J: "I think I've been away from home too long."

Yeah...that's it.

Twilight Action Figure

2009-03-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

I dropped Big J. off at the airport today, now I can play with my new ACTION figure!

Hello my love, please come in. Would you like something to drink? A bloody mary perhaps?

Don't worry, my darling, you are my superhero and my bad guy.

Yes, please do sit down while I go get your drink.

Polly Pocket, you traitorous witch! How could you?

Polly, prepare to meet your demise.

And as for you Edward, Bite Me! ...please.

The Flasher

2009-03-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

When I was 12 years old, I saw a flasher. That may not seem like too big a deal if you are from a big city like New York or Chicago, but when you live in a three traffic light town that folds up the streets on Sundays, it is a huge deal.

We lived in town and my mom had a small store there. It was summer and I was watching my little brother, age 5, and had to deliver him to her at the store. This was nothing new. It was commonplace to walk everywhere, to the sundry store, to eat, to shop, to the movies.

I was holding his little hand, he was a talker, that kid, and funny too, even at age 5. He was chattering away as we walked down the sidewalk past some old storefronts. These were no longer stores, but had been turned into apartments, so they had long, heavy drapes covering the full length windows.

Some movement caught my eye, and as I glanced to my left, a man stepped from behind one of the curtains wearing nothing but a pair of dark socks. I quickly turned my head back forward and stepped up the pace. I think I was probably dragging my baby brother by this point, because I heard a tiny voice say, "Kim....hey, Kim, snap out of it!" (Funny kid).

I looked down at the confused little fella trying to keep up and said, "Didn't you see that?"

"See what?"

"Nothing," I said. I wasn't about to tell him. If I was in shock, what would he think? So I kept going and delivered him, safe and sound, to the store. I never said a word about it for a very long time. My logic was, if my little brother hadn't seen it and he was standing between me and the window, nobody would believe me.

When I look back on it now, I have to laugh. Not because some perv thought showing his junk to a little girl would be a turn on, but because of how my little 12 year old brain worked at the time and how much people change over the years.

I was an incredibly shy kid, so at the time, I was absolutely terrified. I never walked on that side of the street again for the remainder of the two years that we lived in town. When I thought of it, it sickened me. I buried it in the depths of my brain and tried not to ever think about it.

But what is really funny, is what it looked like to me. That thing looked like a nasty, 2 feet long missile that had its radar honed in on me.

My reaction then was like someone who had seen a war atrocity. Keep going, don't talk about it, don't think about it. Nowadays, I would probably try to make the guy feel like crap by pointing and laughing or saying something like, "Hey buddy, if you're trying to put out a fire, you're going to need more hose."

The moral of this story is, that if you ever see a flasher, point and laugh and say something to make them feel like crap. Because they are. Then call the cops.

Feel Better About Yourself Today

2009-03-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

Ladies, how many times have you gone through the supermarket checkout and seen those magazines lining the lanes with the faces of beautiful young women with hard bodies and super taut skin on the cover and left the store feeling better about yourself? Well, gals, this one's for you!I don't usually buy tabloids because I figure 99% of what's in there is a lie anyway, but when something makes you feel this good, I say go for it. Drop that $3.49. Believe that lie.

Now I know what you're going to say, these pictures are probably Photoshopped, these gals don't really look this bad.

By the same token, do you tell yourself that the 21 year old babe with the muscular six pack on the cover of Women's Fitness has probably been Photoshopped? Maybe. But does that make you feel any less fat as you're pushing your cart full of beer and potato chips past that breast augmented chickie staring back at you?

So I did it! Shame on me for buying that tabloid! Then I brought it home and opened it and, by golly, I am going bathing suit shopping today. I feel great!

Toe Socks

2009-03-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

Toe socks are nasty. I never liked them for my own personal use. My toes are somewhat of a close-knit family and they like the comfort and warmth of each other in a regular sock.

My daughter, however, loves toe socks and when a sock is called for, she prefers her toes individually wrapped. This would normally be a non-issue, if not for the fact that I occasionally like to help her out with her laundry. If she has a lot of homework, or is working at the pizza place, I'll pitch in a help a girl out.

I don't know about all your daughters out there, but my daughter's feet smell like she has been walking across dead bodies. When a 17 year old comes in from the gym and peels off her socks to take a shower, do you think she bothers to unwad them and turn them right-side-out before she tosses them into her hamper? Never. So these puppies have been rode hard and put away wet.

By the time I get to them, they have dried into a crusty little ball. In case you hadn't figured it out yet, there is a chemical in dried up kid sweat that causes it to become hard, yet friable, upon touching. Sort of like asbestos. Not only do I have to turn this toxic tuft right-side-out, but I have to stick my finger in each and every slot. That's 10 crusty crevices per pair. Yummy!

Breaking a Boob Man

2009-03-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

Doesn't he look all sweet and innocent snuggled up sleeping next to Emily?Well he isn't. He comes over to you all sweet-like with this exact expression on his face as if to say, "Please, just one little pat on the head."

Then, the minute you raise your arm to pet him, exposing the left one, he sees his opening and...bloop!...bloop! He bounces your boob with his nose before you know what has hit you. He always does it twice, I guess in case he misses the first time.

You're left shaking your head wondering, "Was I just molested by that dog?"

The question is...how do I break him of it? Screaming and smacking him on the snout certainly isn't working. If he doesn't quit knocking knockers, he is going to need rescued again!

Thank You Mrs. Parks

I have to give a big, fat Thank-you to Mrs. Parks at www.theparksfarm.com for the new blog layout. Isn't she talented and generous? She is also very "SWEET!"
(Visit www.winsweetstuff.com for the sweet reference.)

The Fish Hatcheries

2009-03-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

The best part about fixing the watergarden is... We get to go the fish hatcheries! Yay!

Now that's a fine kettle o'fish

A Vat O'Cats

Pretty sly for a white guy.

A Bowl O'Minnow

Hey kids, stay in school!

A Tank O'Tads

You guys don't have a leg to stand on...except for that guy.

A Bucket O'Shebunkins

Don't be koi with me.

Pails O'Fantails

And I'm your #1.

Busy Day - Lots of Pics

2009-03-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

Back in 2001, when Heefus still lived at home, my fantastic men-folk dug me this beautiful watergarden. They dug it all by themselves with picks and shovels. We got the rocks from a friend's farm, carried them one at a time, and stacked them around the pond. It was a lot of work, but it was beautiful. It had a waterfall and a fountain.

These were our little fishies. The white one with the orange head was named Boop Boop. Then Diddum Daddum, Waddum, and Choo. All the kids would come over and I would go outside and dig up some worms. The kids would dangle the worms in the water and the fish would swim over real fast and suck them down like spaghetti...good times.

There is one drawback to trained fishies, though. One day a Blue Heron, came and stood in our little pond. When his skinny legs hit the water, our poor, unsuspecting fishies swam over to him expecting their worms. That crane sucked them down like spaghetti.

This is what the watergarden looked like yesterday, after a year of a broken pump. My awesome husband decided this might be a good day to start restoring it to its former glory, since he will be going back to Russia next week. What a guy!

The root systems from the waterlilies had tangled themselves together and taken over the entire pond.

This required the use of a machete. Umm..a machete-wielding man.

It didn't get any better when we got to this end.

Cash wants to know, "Who called the plumber?" (Props to Emily for that joke).

This mess of rotten roots and bottom-sludge had a special stench created by years of decay and fish droppings.

I will take a cue from Cowguy and try to describe this putrid odor as what one might expect emitting from the carcass of a rotting water buffalo, hollowed-out by a crocodile, which in turn, died inside said water buffalo and proceeded to be eaten by vultures who pooped all over the both of them at the beginning of the dry season on the Serengeti.

Emily wanted to help so she could get a little sun.

That lasted until she accidentally flung a bunch of muck all over the front of herself. Bye Emily!

As a reward for all of Big John's hard work, I offered to pull my top down and take him for a ride.

What were you thinking, you naughty thing?

I was going to make a joke here about grabbing his stick, but I thought that would be too juvenile.

You know, if you have to tap your brakes more than 27 times in one mile, you may be riding too close...I'm just saying. He is not angering me, though, or even annoying me. I'm just glad I'm not in front of him!

These two were facing us at a red light. I am digging that horned helmet!!

THE END

Extreme Home Makeover

2009-03-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, Extreme Home Makeover did a house in the neighborhood adjacent to mine last summer. It was a little less than a mile walk, so I went on the first day of demolition and snapped these pictures.

This was as close as I could get to Ty Pennington....unfortunately.

They mounted cameras on the tops of nearby houses, which I thought was extremely cool. This is the house directly across the street.

This is my favorite picture. The first CRUNCH! And crunch it did.

Check out the camera. You wouldn't believe how fast they could swing that camera around.

They had this house done in four days. They work around the clock, rain or shine. I got so sunburnt that first day that I didn't make it back down there until my best gal pal wanted me to go with her to see the finished product.

The family that lives here has three children. Both of the girls have a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy and they are in wheelchairs. The original house, as you can tell, wass definitely not wheelchair friendly. This one is completely open and makes their lives much more independent. Extreme Makeover rocks!

Kiosk Hawkers

2009-03-06T07:10:00.001-08:00

Let's go to the mall. It is such a nice day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, it is warm outside for a change. Let's go walk around the mall. We can hold hands and sip Starbucks, stretch our legs, get a little exercise, have an enjoyable and relaxing afternoon...NOT!

What you get now when you try to do a little mallwalking is hawked at like you're a sailor with 2 day pass on shore leave in Taiwan, "Hey Joe, two dolla, two dolla."

What is supposed to be a day of window shopping and, "Look at that little outfit, I can't wait until we have a grandbaby we can buy one of those."

Has turned into, "Just ignore him, pretend like you don't hear him."

What used to be, "Isn't that table setting at Williams-Sonoma Home just beautiful?"

Has turned into, "Don't make eye contact with her!"

Remember the days when the biggest concern during a good, old-fashioned, mallwalk was whether or not you were going to be able to avoid the temptation while passing by the window of the Godiva Chocolate store?

Now it is, "Cross over! Cross over! He can't get to us on that side!"

Nothing like trying to have a conversation and having, "Excuse me, Sir! Miss!" yelled at you every few feet. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Makes you want to return to the mall real soon.

What's next? A happy ending at the 5-minute massage?

I'm All Shook Up

2009-03-05T07:13:00.000-08:00

You know I am not one prone to ranting....BUT....

John and I were coming back home yesterday after lunch. We were in our subdivision and getting ready to turn left onto our street. This is the exact spot. Sorry the picture is dark, I went back out last night and took it.

I was getting ready to turn left and had my signal on (I promise), when I just happened to glance in my left side mirror and saw a crazy woman in a dark blue mini van PASSING ME ON THE LEFT!

I blurted out, "Oh my God!" and stopped.

John was sitting in the passenger's seat, oblivious, and said, "What?"

"She is going around me!"

When he saw her fly around me, then get back into the right lane, he was just as shocked as I was.

Then, of course, we proceeded to go on with the "she could haves" and the "almosts" and "what ifs". I just drove the rest of the way home in sort of a daze. I was furious, yet thanking my guardian angel for watching out for me.

My question is...WHY AM I SUCH A WIMP? Why did I not chase this woman down and beat her a$$? I have seen her before in the neighborhood adjacent to mine. She parks her car sideways at the end of her driveway thinking it will keep her little tiny kids in the driveway. It doesn't. I have seen her 3 year old daughter in the street on her little wheel with no adult in sight. Her street is busy now with sightseers since they built the Extreme Makeover house on this street.

As you can tell, it's a day later and I'm still pissed. You don't pass people in subdivisions! I still want to go beat her a$$!

5 Quick Questions

2009-03-04T06:53:00.001-08:00

The older you get, the wiser you get, right? You find the answers to more questions and things generally tend to make more sense as you age. There are a few things that still perplex me, maybe you have the answers.

Why is the ride there so much longer than the ride back home?
Why does my daughter go to the gym and work out for an hour, but finds it too strenuous to bend over and pick her clothes up off the bathroom floor?
Why do I, and most other people, turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde when we get behind the wheel of our car?

4. Why does Vaseline take off mascara?
5. How is it physiologically possible that the fat from my used-to-be-sexy butt has stood up, marched itself around to my stomach and plopped itself back down again?

If you know the answers to any of these questions, I would love to know.

Dear Son, I Want a Grandbaby

2009-03-03T06:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Son,
I want a REAL grandbaby. I love the boys, but I am tired of grandchildren that look like this:
I know you are afraid that your offspring will be butt-ugly. I mean, just look at the two of you:

You said that you guys were going to discuss it. I know, when you were little, we never actually sat down and had "the talk", but, Honey, no one ever got pregnant discussing it.

So, in closing, I want a grandbaby. A real one. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl. I don't care if it has brown hair, red hair, or blonde hair. I don't care if it has brown eyes, blue eyes, or green eyes. I just don't want it to lift its leg when it pees.

Love,

Mom

Elephant Eggs

2009-03-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

I didn't know elephants hatched from eggs. Did you?
Dr. Seuss would have loved him. I was thinking of keeping him, but he would probably get too big for the house.

Alas, my little poached pachyderm, you must join your brothers and sisters. Next time we meet, you will be swimming amongst the taters in a sea of mayo, mustard and pickle relish.

What should I do about this?
At this point, I'd like to shake my head and say, "She needs help.", but I think it is I that needs the help. She keeps hoggin' my side of the bed.

Floater

2009-02-28T08:19:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I forgot to post about this earlier. My son and I were having breakfast at a restaurant very close to my house, I won't name names, but it was in West Chester. When he looked into his freshly refilled water glass and went, "Uuuuuhhhhhh". I knew I had to get out my camera. Trying to take the picture without any of the servers catching me was a bit tricky, but here is what I was able to get. Can you spot the problem?

I Don't Get It...

2009-02-26T11:23:00.000-08:00

I made the big mistake of starting to college at the same time my son did (different schools, of course). Nursing school to be exact. I was the oldest person in nursing school, great for the ego. We were in our clinical groups one afternoon when I and another student, approximate age 19, had to move our medical mannequin from one bed to another. When we got about half way across the room with him, I at his head, her at his feet, his detachable junk fell off and hit the floor.

We started laughing and I quipped, "He's obviously not Jewish."

"How do you know?" she asked.

Dang! I wanted to be funny, not instructive.

"Because he's not circumcised," I said, completely bummed that my joke had been lost on her.

"How can you tell?" she wanted to know.

So, with one last grasp at being a comedienne, and while grasping said genitalia of our rubber patient, I said, "See how this one looks like Mort from Bazooka Joe?"

"Who's Bazooka Joe?"

And there it went. All my fantastic wit and comic timing gone forever in the crevice that is the generation gap.

Hello....ello.....ello.....ello.

Psst...don't tell anybody, but if you have entered my contest (see camera) and put Kim or Chamomile Tea in the third box, I put in a couple of additional entries for you. Remember, don't tell anybody.

Martha Said I Should

2009-02-26T05:43:00.000-08:00

In my funk on Sunday, I was searching for a little inspiration. I'm sure you've all been there, you just need a little shot in the arm to get you going. I had watched Joel earlier that morning and, though Joel is always good for a quick pick-me-up, I was in need of something in more of a massive I.V. dose.

To make a long post short, I found the following quote from Martha Graham:
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open."
I thought this quote was apropos to bloggers since we often say to ourselves, "Should I or shouldn't I publish that?" You may be afraid people won't like it, get offended, or will think you are _____ (insert negative adjective here).

In life Martha was feisty, ornery, way out there, a big time trouble maker, a huge risk taker, but she was always searching for inspiration to keep her going. So here's your inspiration guys, publish whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want. It's your blog. If you cause a ruckus, good. That's what keeps you going. That's what keeps you young.

If you are ever in doubt, just tell yourself, "Martha said I should."

Why he loves me

2009-02-25T06:54:00.001-08:00

Who else would rub cream on his dog's poonahnie?

I caught him in bed with two other women and I jumped in with them.

I keep him entertained with funny impressions like Vera De Milo.

I am a constant example of class and refinement. There's my gum!

Look what Emily did to her walls!
Who could sleep with that on top of you every night?

One of Those Days

2009-02-24T07:36:00.001-08:00

As a general rule, I am always
a. easygoing
b. happy
c. cooperative
d. looking for a good time

On Sunday, I was
a. tired
b. depressed
c. short-tempered
d. a total beotch

I wanted everyone to
a. leave me alone
b. go away
c. kiss my butt
d. sit down and shut up

My dogs are the only ones who
a. love me
b. understand me
c. can tolerate me
d. know how to sit down and shut up

I sought intense therapy in the form of
a. a recliner
b. a nap
c. a television
d. my dogs

I'M CURED!!

Our First and Last Rehab

2009-02-22T18:21:00.000-08:00

What would compel a seemingly normal family of five, who had never done a rehab project in their lives, to buy a delapidated house to fix up and use as a rental property?

I tried to pair each "before" picture with its corresponding "after".

To let you know a bit about the type of neighborhood in which this prime piece of real estate is located, I would like to share a conversation that transpired between the hubs and I one Saturday afternoon. He had just returned home from working alone at this house.

John: "Some lady said the strangest thing to me today."

Me: "Oh yeah? What?"

John: "I walked out onto the porch and this lady came up to me and said, 'Do you date?'. I said, 'No, I don't date, I'm married.' Then she just walked away."

Me: "That was no lady, Honey, that was a hooker and she was wanting to know if you were interested in paying for a little somethin' somethin'."

John: "Nuh uh."

Me, laughing: "Uh huh. Haven't you ever seen COPS?"

John: "Oh my."

Don't forget to visit Metamorphosis Monday for a lot more, and much better, before and after pictures.

The Rule Is...

2009-02-21T05:27:00.000-08:00

When John comes home from a project, we always do the same thing. No matter how long he is going to be in town, everybody comes over, we take them all out to dinner, then Big John gives us souvenirs from wherever he has been. We have some CRAZY things he has brought us from Haiti, Australia (not too bad), and now, Russia.

The rule is...whatever John brings you, pretend like you like it, even if you don't know what it is. We can figure out what it is later.

So we all load up into the car. As you can see, we always have a great time when we get together.

Remind me again, why did I get that third row seat?

We go back home and get our souvenirs. Kristen, Leslie and I got pashminas. Ooh, those are pretty. So far, so good, John.

That's our DIL(io), Kristen, modeling hers. That's what I love about Kristen, she always lets me take her picture and she always cooperates with my goofy ideas when no one else will.

Emily got a funky cool hat. She reminds me of the Cheetos cat. Not bad. She likes to be different and she likes Cheetos.

I got Russian Christmas ornaments. A hand painted egg and a Russian angel? girl?

Excellent choice! I collect Christmas ornaments from everywhere we go. Good going, John.

And I also got this....umm...I got this.....egg? On a stand?

Oh, I see, it has a picture of the nativity on it. That's pretty. I do like it.

And that's the way it ALWAYS goes. Every single time!!

(And I love it.)

Don't forget...I'm giving away that Wii on Monday.

Flashback Friday

2009-02-20T05:27:00.001-08:00

Don't forget to go visit Tara and put your Flashback Friday link on the list. It's fun to look at old pictures, the older the better.

I love these two pictures. I keep them in a side-by-side double frame on my desk. Though they were taken 14 years and 1,000 miles apart, they have similarities. We were both 2 years old when they were taken. Neither one of us looks very much interested in having our pictures taken. I can hear our parents now, "Just stand there for one minute and let me take your picture."

This is the only baby picture I have of John.

Check out his little shorts. His Italian mama used to iron everything. By the looks of those shorts, they were no exception. My shorts, however, have crept up due to the rubbing together of my chunky thighs.

John is trying to be a good little guy and smile for the camera. I, on the other hand, am being a pouty little brat. Not much has changed.

Purse Tag

2009-02-19T05:52:00.000-08:00

Becky at In The Trenches tagged me for this meme which is a lot of fun, so I thought I would participate. I followed the rules, hence my extreme embarassment.

Here are the rules:

1. Post a picture of the current bag you are carrying. You cannot go into your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today or the last time you left the house.

2. I want to know how much it cost:) This is not to judge. This is for entertainment purposes only. After all, that's why we are all here. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I'd love to hear it.

3. Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why you are doing this.

This is my purse. I bought it at Macy's for $135. Oh my, I could be in trouble now. I told John, "Oh, it's just one of those cheap mall purses." Becky, I may have to come stay with you when he reads this post. I'm kidding, he doesn't care.

I like it because it's huge! (That's what she said.) In it, I keep my camera, with case, my notebook, in case I get a good idea (oops! maybe I need a light bulb for that), plus all of the normal stuff like my wallet, checkbook and assorted beauty products.

I can't believe I just used the corny light bulb joke. You've got to be really old to get that one!!

The embarassing thing is...this is the purse I posted about awhile back. It's the one I spilled a mocha latte into. And I am still carrying it. It still has chocolate in it. Oh well, I love the chocolate purse and I am going to continue to carry it.

Now, to tag some chicks. I think I'll tag...

Sarah at Holden Happenings. You never know what Sarah is going to be carrying. I can't wait to see what you have going on now, girlfriend.

How about Yaya atYaya Stuff? You seem like you have a very funky, neat style. I bet you're carrying something interesting. I can't wait to see it.

Let's also tag Tara at Too Much Information. I bet you have the most stylish purse in the bunch. Something so pretty and perfect, and we would never be able to find one like it anywhere.

I want to see what Debbie from Suburb Sanity is carrying. If it is one of those ___sacks like she showed on her blog yesterday, I am going to die laughing.

How about you Mrs. Parks from The Parks Farm? Please tell me you are carrying a purse in the shape of a turtle. That would be awesome.

DADDY'S HOME!!

Nobody gets more excited to see daddy than his Lulu. He is the only one that can still pick her up and she loves it. She has one of those faces that always looks so sad that you feel bad for her and you try to do everything you can to make her happy.

John wanted an English Bulldog for years. I finally caved, and when I found Lulu on the internet, I had to get her. I am so glad I did. He's crazy about her. I wish I would have gotten one sooner.

How Olivia Got Her Name

2009-02-18T06:36:00.000-08:00

First, let me preface this story by stating that I am not expressing any particular belief one way or the other. I am simply telling a story how it happened. You can believe what you want and think what you want.

When Emily was getting ready to turn 3 years old, which happens to be a week before Christmas, she decided she wanted a puppy. She was a very easygoing, laid back baby and we wanted something small that she could hold and play with and wouldn't knock her down.

Look at that face. How could you not get her a puppy?

I found a breeder who had two dachshund puppies, a male and a female, so we loaded the three kids into the suv and head out. When we got there, we let her pick the one she wanted and she chose the little female.

On the way home, she was sitting in her carseat between the two other kids. Heath was 12 and Les was 9 at the time. Emily had the puppy in her lap, petting her with those pudgy little baby fingers. Emily has always had a very calming way with animals and the puppy was completely chilled in her lap, not being playful or rambunctious at all.

I asked her, "Hey Emmie, what are you going to name your new puppy?"

Very quickly, enunciating precisely and definitively, she stated, "I am naming her Olivia."

John and I looked at each other with furrowed brows and I said, "Well, that's a very unique name. Where did you hear it?"

"It was my mommy's name," she said.

"What are you talking about? I am your mommy."

"Not you, silly," yes, she called me silly. "My mommy before you."

She said it in a way that she felt like I should have known it. Like it was common knowledge just as normal as her brother and sister sitting right next to her.

"What happened to her?" I asked.

"She died."

And that was the end of it. Heath and Les were, of course, giving it the do do do do, do do do do, but she never said anything else about it.

Please don't think that I believe my dog is the reincarnated mother of my child's former life. That is ridiculous.

Olivia is still with us. She is 14 years old. She can't see or hear very well anymore, but she is still healthy and active.

If you ask Emily about any of this now, she doesn't remember one bit of it, but I will never forget it.

John is coming home

2009-02-16T18:57:00.000-08:00

John is coming home tomorrow. So, of course, like any good wife, I have been trying to make myself more beautiful for his arrival.

I went and got one of those spray-on tans.

And my teeth bleached.

And, as you can see, I've been working out like a dog.

Now come to momma!!

Lulu would like to express her excitement over your impending return:

Seriously, we can't wait to see you, Baby.

An office makeover and money to do it

2009-02-15T21:03:00.000-08:00

I've been busy this week trying to get my office done in time to submit my before and after pics to Metamorphosis Monday. You should visit them. There are some great re-dos and some inventive ideas there.

I couldn't take it anymore. This beige office was ugly and depressing.

So I decided to have a little fun with it. What could be more fun than pink and chocolate?

I said I was having fun, I didn't say I knew how to decorate.

My friend, Tara, has a blog called kidz. It is a site that celebrates the lives and lessons of special needs children, a.k.a. kidz. It is a site for everyone, not just friends and families of kidz. The mission is to increase awareness and understanding about different health conditions and to help all people cope with challenges and enjoy life!

She is giving away some great things this week like a $200 gift card to Target and a $100 gift card to Ikea. These could really come in handy when you decide to redecorate your office in pink and chocolate.

Big John Rocked It

2009-02-15T05:04:00.000-08:00

I don't usually post on Sunday, but Big John sent me these for Valentine's Day yesterday so I had to share. What? Did you think this was going to be a naughty post? Look how big it is! (that's what she said)

So Honey, here is what I got for you. Get it? (well, you're going to)

Young Love

2009-02-14T06:33:00.000-08:00

This is what my baby gave to her boyfriend for Valentine's Day. She had these bottles of Jones Root Beer made up with their picture on them. I didn't even know you could have that done until the UPS guy came last night and delivered them. You can drink the root beer and everything. Isn't that a cute idea? Adorable, precious and all of that?

And this is what my baby's boyfriend gave to her:

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! A diamond ring? Look at those fingernails. You are just a baby!

Look at that face! Look at those faces! They are babies! Stop using the "M" word right this instant!

All I can hear in my head right now is Gus from My Big Fat Greek Wedding saying, "Why do you want to leeeeave me?"

Stop growing up right now before I ground you!! I hate young love! Don't go! Come back! You forgot your blankie!

Wait! I forgot to tell you something.........

I love you.

Oh, and HAPPY FREAKIN' VALENTINE'S DAY.

Flashback Fridays

2009-02-13T04:57:00.000-08:00

For everyone who doesn't already know, it's... at Too Much Information. So go on over to Tara's, and add your post to the list.

My Flashback Friday picture this week is short and sweet. I just wanted you to dig those super cool 1960's curtains.

My Elijahs

2009-02-12T06:35:00.000-08:00

Both of my grandfathers' names are Elijah. They are both still alive, which is saying a lot considering I am no spring chicken. The are both adorable and they are both perfect. Both were married all their lives to the same woman (women?).

This is "Papaw". He lives here in Ohio. He will be 90 in April. This picture was taken of him this past Christmas at my house.

This is "Grandpa Peanut". He lives in Florida. He turned 90 last July. I took this picture with him last summer.

My grandpas are truly good men. They are easygoing, responsible men. They put their families' first their entire lives. When my son was born, I gave him Elijah for his middle name. I am so glad I did. He is turning out to be similar.

I am so fortunate to still have 3 of my grandparents. I guess I have longevity in my genes. And aren't they the cutest?

My Long Lost Twin

2009-02-11T06:04:00.000-08:00

I think I met my long lost fraternal twin separated-at-birth last year. Not really, but maybe mom has a few questions she should answer.

I went with my son to buy a used car and the guy that sold it to us was filling out the paperwork with his left hand.

"Oh, you're left-handed," I say. "Me too."

"Well, technically, they say I'm ambedextrous, but there are really only two things I do with my left hand. Write and eat."

"You are kidding me," I say, "those are the exact two things I do left-handed."

"Yeah, when I was a kid," he said, "they tried to give me left-handed baseball gloves, but I kept putting them on my right."

"That is really weird." I am getting a little freaked now. "They used to try to get me to use left-handed scissors, but I kept going up and exchanging them for the rights."

"I also bat right-handed," he said.

"Me too!"

Oh, and did I tell you, this guy had red hair? Not quite as bright as mine, but red nonetheless and he looked to be my exact same age.

I left the car lot with Ricky Ricardo echoing in my head, "Mom, you got some splainin' to do."

So...me being a smarty pants and a genuine pain in the butt, when John came home, decided to torture him a little. This is a sport I practice often and get a good deal of satisfaction out of. I do get bored during the day, after all. So I ask him, "Honey, we've been married a long time. What are the two things I do left-handed?"

"Uhhh..."

I raise my eyebrow, hands on hips, foot tapping.

"This is not going to end well for me," he says.

I give him a hint, "It's the two most important things you do. One of them is the reason I have to sit at a particular spot when we go to a restaurant."

He started guessing everything except the two things. I was getting tired of playing this game and actually a little hurt by this time, so I let him off the hook and told him.

I turned to walk away.

He hates it when I walk away mad, so he blurts, "What do I do left-handed?" He asked me in a very nah-nah-nah-nah-nah tone. He thought I would say, "Nothing" because that is what he truly believed.

"You drink your coffee left-handed," I growl.

His jaw hit the floor. "I do drink my coffee left-handed," he realized.

I lick my finger and make a floating 1 in the air. Then I pretend erase it, lick my finger again, and make an invisible 100 in the air. BURN!!

A BIT OF TRIVIA

When I was in Florida last year, Grandpa Peanut, notices me eating with my left hand and says, "Did you know that about half of the U.S. Presidents have been left-handed?"

"Really?"

"So left-handed people must smart," he says. He is the sweetest, big huggy bear.

When I got home, I looked it up and, sure enough, 6 of the 12 presidents since the end of WWII, including Obama, have been left-handed.

Not only that, but in 1992, all three of the contenders were left-handed. So, Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ross Perot were all up there at their podiums, writing with their left hands. Cool!

The reason that this wasn't noticed until the end of WWII was that kids used to get cracked on the knuckles for writing with their left hands and forced to switch to the right. I actually remember teachers trying to get me to write with my right and this was as late as 1968.

Emily's Big Accomplishment

2009-02-10T07:58:00.001-08:00

She is parking in the driveway!

I had to take this picture at night so she wouldn't catch me blogging about her.

In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss, "This may not seem very important I know, but it is, so I'm bothering telling you so."

Emily and both of the other kids insisted on a manual transmission car when they were teens so that they would be forced to learn to drive it. She has finally gotten good enough at clutching to pull into our slanted driveway. For the past 4 months, she has been parking on the street to avoid the embarassment of stalling it on the driveway. She finally felt she had gotten good enough with her clutching skills to park in the driveway. I'm so proud.

She had the car for about 2 months when she said, "Mom, I really like this car."

"Well I'm glad you like it."

"I feel BAAAD driving it."

She cracks me up.

THANK-YOU, JOHN
For these beautiful flowers you sent me yesterday. They go perfect in the new pink office.

Two Funny Things

2009-02-09T05:47:00.000-08:00

A STORY

I was reminded the other day of something my son had said when he was little, probably 5 or 6 years old. We were in the car, driving through a strip mall parking lot. We had to stop to allow a pedestrian to cross in front of us. It was a middle-aged man of Asian descent.

My son said, "Look mom, a Japanee."

I instructed, "No, honey, it's Japaneeeese...neeeese."

He corrected, "Nuh, uh, not when there's only one."

I do understand the logic.

A PICTURE

I am apologizing in advance for this photograph. I found in somewhere on the internet. I know it is very sophomoric of me, but I just couldn't help myself.

Nothing like good, old-fashioned fart humor to brighten your day.

Hanging Dog

2009-02-07T05:26:00.000-08:00

John sent me this story yesterday.

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life! She said that if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne, Alabama.

The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor!

Can you imagine how many people try and stop this guy?

THE BUS STORY

I was in 6th grade. My sister was in 4th grade. She had been annoying me on the school bus and untied my shoe. Not wanting to let her get one over on me, I grabbed her and said, "Get down there right now and tie it back."

She crouched down over the top of my shoe and tied it back. It should have been a red flag that she was so compliant.

When the driver came to our stop, she ran off the bus. I couldn't move. She had tied my shoelace in a knot to the leg of the seat in front of me. The driver kept waiting and waiting. I couldn't budge. I couldn't get the knot out.

He finally had to get up, come back to my seat and cut me loose with his pocket knife. I took off running after her to cheers from the other children, "Get her! Get her!"

I would have posted this on Flashback Friday, except I didn't have a picture of it. I do, however, have a picture of me after she knocked out my two front teeth.

Flashback Fridays

2009-02-06T05:51:00.000-08:00

I have imprisoned my baby sister in the new birthday doll bed. I am not sure whose birthday it was, but since our birthdays are 9 days apart, it was probably for both of us.

Don't worry, she got me back many times. Someday I will tell you about when she tied me to the bus.

Valentine's Day Centerpiece

2009-02-05T05:21:00.000-08:00

I warned you that this was the crappy crafts blog. This Valentine's Day centerpiece takes about 15 minutes to make. You probably have everything in your house already except for the flowers. It really helps cheer things up, especially if there is a foot of snow on the ground and your entire house is beige.

Added bonus: if you get too bummed, you can eat the candy. Of course you will have to pick off all the melted wax.

This is what it looks like when I blog. This is pretty typical every morning. I have to go tinkle, but I don't want to disturb them. They do make good foot warmers.

I know this is a short post, but I am going to paint my office today - DOWN WITH BEIGE!!

Most Embarassing Moments

2009-02-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

In the immortal words of Jimmy Buffett, "If we couldn't laugh, we just would go insane."

So...because I woke up to this...

Which made me want to do this...

I thought we could all make each other laugh so we didn't do this...

Since nothing makes me laugh or makes me feel better about myself more than hearing other people's most embarassing moments stories, I thought we could share. I'll get the ball rolling.

Here is mine:

It was Thanksgiving Day. I was 19. I had just moved to this area with my family from a little town in the middle of a corn field about 65 miles east of here. We were staying with relatives until we could find a house to rent.

Our imposed upon relatives decided to go to a friend's house for Thanksgiving Dinner, so we went out to eat. Back then, there weren't that many places open on Thanksgiving Day, but we found a nice buffet.

We got a table and my sister, age 17, and I went up to get our food. I am going through the buffet line in front of her. Did I say it was Thanksgiving Day? We get to the end of the buffet and there was a young man carving a turkey. You know how they do, there is a guy with a big knife and fork carving a hunk of meat under a glowing red light.

I look at him and say, "I'll take dark meat."

This kid looks at me like the top of my head just popped off and spring-loaded snakes just blew out. He doesn't move or say anything.

I am confused, so I turn around to my sister and say, "Right, Cindy?"

Cindy doesn't know what this kid's problem is either, so she nods and says, "Yeah, dark meat!"

The cuddly young carver puffs, "This is a roast beef."

I turned redder than my hair, "I'll take some of that then," and slinked back to the table. Cindy was right behind me with her plate of roast beef turkey.

I don't think there has been a single conversation between me and my sister in the last 26 years that "Yeah, dark meat!" has not been interjected somewhere.

Okay, I showed you mine, now you show me yours!

Greetings from Russia

2009-02-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

John emailed me some pictures from Russia I thought I would share. This is a Russian baby stroller. How about those wheels?
This is where John is staying. It is called the Shifaly. To be more precise, it is called the Shifaly hotel/sanitorium. They claim the sanitorium part of it is for people who need rest and relaxation, sort of like our spa. I am not joking when I tell you that he was checked in by a nurse. I don't know of too many spas that require the employment of a nurse. I have told him to be careful where he falls asleep and to make sure his door is locked at all times.

He told me about the bath water at his "hotel". I insisted on a picture. Makes you feel squeaky clean all over doesn't it?

This is a mural that is in a restaurant where he goes. I thought it looked more Irish than Russian but, hey, what do I know about art?

I hope you can see the fabric tied to this tree. It is difficult to distinquish, but this is where newlyweds tie pieces of cloth to symbolize the hope of a long, happy, prosperous marriage.
I think it's interesting to see new customs of other countries that I didn't know about.

Steven Tyler on Parenting

2009-02-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

Did you ever see a celebrity on a talk show and either like them more or like them less after you have seen their true personality? Well, as true as it can be with the publicists and pr coaches.

I saw Steven Tyler, the lead singer for Aerosmith, a few years ago on a talk show talking about being a dad and he cracked me up. He was saying how kids keep you grounded and that, when you have kids, it was impossible to keep an inflated ego.

He was talking about a night when he was doing a concert and all these hot girls were in the front row, throwing their bras and panties at him. They were telling him all the things they wanted to do to him and how they wanted to have his baby.

Then, he goes home and one of his kids looks at him and says, "Gosh dad, why'd you wear that shirt? It makes you look fat".

I was with Emily the other day and I asked her, "How do you like my new scarf? It's my shabby chic scarf."

"Don't you mean your chubby cheek scarf?"

Ahh, Steven, we are so much alike...

A Weekend Makeover

2009-02-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

The girls and I always tend to get into a little bit of redecorating mischief when John leaves town. Emily's bathroom had been driving me crazy for awhile with the depressing beige paint and the construction grade fixtures.

We painted the cabinet on Saturday.

We painted the walls and hung the mirror on Sunday.

A few finishing touches and the room looks a lot better. It's a much happier room now.

Is hell a cuss word?

2009-01-31T06:24:00.000-08:00

When my son was about 7 or 8 years old, he asked me, "Is hell a cuss word?"

"It depends on how you use it," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well," I said, "if you are having a discussion about Heaven and Hell, then it's not a cuss word."

"So...like...it would be okay to say, 'Hell with it. Praise the Lord?'!"

"Umm...not exactly."

Please do not use this image without written permission from Heath Elijah.

Flashback Fridays - 2nd Post

2009-01-30T07:44:00.000-08:00

I know I already posted today, but I just visited Tara over at Too Much Information, and decided to join her party. Go on over to her blog and join in. This sounds like a lot of fun.

This is a picture of me, circa 1967 or so. I am playing with my cackerpickers. I used to go to the big tree in granny grump's backyard and put a bunch of caterpillars in that white box. I would then take one and chase my granny through the house with it. She would run from me, screaming for my mom to get me...I am laughing about it now.

Then I would go outside and take them out of the box and let them crawl up my legs...it tickled. Then, my little sister (2 years younger) would come out on the porch and stomp on them, squishing them as I was trying to rescue them by putting them back in the box.

I think I'll get even with her by posting some of her old pictures here...revenge is best served cold.

Crappy Crafts and Useless Information

2009-01-30T06:09:00.000-08:00

Crappy Craft

Here's my crappy craft project. It takes about 5 seconds to make. Hey, I added the coffee beans all by myself and it was my idea.

Useless Information

Well, I guess I've lost it. I no longer have my gift. I was informed this week about two pregnancies and I had no fish dreams. Man, am I bummed! That was my only gift, my only talent, my only ability, my only thing. I definitely should have had at least 1 fish dream because the young lady is related. Dang!

A Wiener in the Snow

I'll let you decide which weiner is in the snow...

The old man here is 13. I can only get him to go outside twice a day.

Some Pics for John

Here's the firepit, Babe. Just wanted you to see how much snow we finally ended up getting. It's pretty bad when you go to Russia and get out of the cold. Did you get one of those big Dr. Zhivago hats yet?

How about your veranda? You have to admit. These icicles do look really cool. You probably wouldn't want to walk underneath them unless you had a death wish, though.

I just threw in this picture of the sundial. Look how the little thing (I'm sure it has a name) is peeking out of the snowball. It looks like a nose.

Now I'm going to have to look up what that part of a sundial is called. It will drive me crazy if I don't.

What Should the Big One Be?

2009-01-29T05:50:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I have a giveaway site.

"What kind of crap are you trying to pull, lady?" I'm sure is what some of you are wondering. I'll tell you in a minute.

Every Monday, I give something away. Yes, I actually send something out in the mail that I paid for with my (I mean my husband's) own money to someone I don't know and have never met nor will ever meet.

I need your help in coming up with ideas for the giveaways in March. I try to keep the Monday giveaways under $30 and the big giveaway at the end of the month under $300 (budget constraints). The big one for February is the Nintendo Wii. Thank goodness I found one. We went all over town for a week and no one had them and I was getting a bit nervous.

The big giveaway has to appeal to everyone. My first one was a Coach Purse. I paid $300 bucks for it, but it was not a hit. It only appealed to half the population, which was not a good idea if your goal is to get page hits.

I was thinking maybe this camera. I got this camera for Christmas and I love it. It retails for about $250, so it keeps me in my budget.

Even I can take good pictures with it and I suck. When my son gets ahold of it (see Lulu's slide show), it absolutely Sings!! The question is, will this camera appeal to a large number of people? I know it will appeal to bloggers, but what about the general public who is online searching for free stuff to win? Since that is where most of my traffic comes from, I need to appeal to those people.

The Crap I am Trying to Pull

My dream is to get enough page hits and a high enough page ranking that I can get advertisers to pay for the items I am giving away. I can then give away bigger, more expensive items, more often...yippee!

I can't tell you how much fun it is to get an excited email back from someone after I have told them that they have won something. I would love it if I could do this forever. Can you imagine? I mean, who wouldn't love giving away prizes worth thousands? That is my dream...I guess I'm a Ty Pennington, Ed McMahon wannabe.

So, if you have any idea what the world wants...please let me know. Or, you could just let me know what you would want.

Ugly Weather - Beautiful Photos

2009-01-28T05:40:00.000-08:00

For those of you not from Ohio, we are SNOWED IN!! It is not just snow, it is ice covering everything. If it was outside, it is now encased in ice. Everything is closed and we are under a snow emergency.

It is still coming down. It is rumored that we are going to have accumulated 10 inches by the end of the day. I hope not.

5 Amazing Cell Phone Tricks

2009-01-27T06:06:00.000-08:00

I just got these tips from the hubs and I didn't know any of them, so I thought I would share.

The worldwide emergency number for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you and, on some devices, 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.

If you have a remote keyless entry and you lock your keys in your car, you can call your spouse or some at home who has the other keyless entry. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at home press the unlock buton, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. This works even if the person is hundreds of miles away.

If the battery in your cell phone is very low, press *3370#. Your mobile will restart with this reserve and show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile the next time.

How to disable a stolen mobile phone. Right now, while you are thinking about it, write down your mobile's serial number. You do this by keying in *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. If your phone gets stolen, call your service provider and give them this code. They can then block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everyone did this, there would be no point in people stealing cell phones. Score one for the good guys!

We do not use 411 often because it costs us money. All you have to do is dial (800)FREE411 or (800)373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program it into your cell phone now. I haven't tried this yet, so I imagine you will have to listen to an ad, but, hey, it's free right?

I am glad I was hungry when I went to the grocery yesterday. Snowed in today with the two girls, a lot of food, some firewood and board games. Not going to be too bad a day after all.

Hi Honey

2009-01-25T18:48:00.000-08:00

I know you will read my blog as soon as you get settled in your hotel room. According to my calcs, when you land, it should be about 3:00 a.m. my time and 2:00 p.m. on Monday where you are. Isn't it weird to fly into the future? You are a huge fan of the sci-fi channel, though.

Let's see...what has happened since you left?

I drove home in blizzard conditions. Yikes!

Lester helped me finish cleaning the house and she gave the dogs a bath. She didn't put Winnie's pad down fast enough so Winifred left a tootsie roll on her freshly mopped floor...oops!

Lulu got in trouble for head-butting Starbuck, knocking his treat out of his mouth, then eating it. To add insult to injury, she started humping him, vigorously, a few minutes later. The poor guy couldn't catch a break.

Emily did her laundry!

Yes, you read that correctly.
Emily did her laundry!!

Off to Russia

2009-01-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

John is leaving tomorrow for Russia. He works for Fluor Corporation which is the project management contractor for TANECO, a huge oil refiner in Nizhnekamsk, Russia. He will be gone for 63 days before I get to see him again. That part of it really stinks, but when he does come home, he gets to stay for 3 weeks.

So you won't see my smilin' face around here tomorrow. I have to take him to the airport. He is taking his camera with him so, hopefully, we will have some good pics to post next week.

A Money Saving Tip

2009-01-23T06:16:00.000-08:00

I am sure most of you already knew about this, so this post if for the one person out there who didn't. I've known about it for awhile because my daughter is so abusive to her cell phones, I just kept forgetting to post about it.

I do not like cell phone contracts. I think they are awful. I don't like the fact that they can pretty much do whatever they want for two years. The beauty of the American free market is, that if someone pisses you off, you simply go somewhere else. With cell phone contracts, you have completely lost that power.

The way they get you is that when your kid breaks their phone, or drops it in the bathtub, or the school parking lot, etc., the only way you can get an affordable replacement, is to sign a new contract.

"Hey lady, you wanna pay $300 or $50?"

"Gee whiz, Mister, I don't know."

So if you have 4 cell phones with a family plan, 2 years equates to a lot of money.

So next time your kid drops that expensive cell phone into a puddle on the way into school, just go into the store of your choice and purchase one of those over-the-counter, pay-as-you-go phones. Take the SIM card out of the wet or broken phone and pop it into the cheap one.

It does have to be the same carrier, though. For example, if you use AT&T, it has to be an AT&T pay-as-you-go-phone. The last time Emily dropped hers in the rain, I paid $69 for the replacement at that one store that gets all the bad press (you know the one). Then she took her wet, non-working phone and laid it out with the back off, hoping it would dry out. The next day, she transferred her SIM card back to the "wet" phone and VOILA! it worked! Now she keeps the cheap one as a spare.

Here is a picture of my "tricked out" cell phone cover John got me for Christmas. You can't really tell it from the pic, but it really sparkles. It looks like it is covered in diamond dust. I really like it. I like sparkly things. Sometimes I hold it up to my mouth and say, "Let me see your grill. Uh huh, your grill."

One more little rant: Any time you sign a contract, you have lost your ability to exercise your power of the free market. There is a particular pet clinic (I'll let you figure it out) inside of a particular, extremely large, pet market chain, that is trying to do this to people. They try to high pressure you into signing up for their "wellness plan" by showing you all the money you will save. I don't like it because if they don't treat you or your pet well, you can't switch to another vet. So, we decided to go somewhere else...but that's just us.