Floater

I can't believe I forgot to post about this earlier. My son and I were having breakfast at a restaurant very close to my house, I won't name names, but it was in West Chester. When he looked into his freshly refilled water glass and went, "Uuuuuhhhhhh". I knew I had to get out my camera. Trying to take the picture without any of the servers catching me was a bit tricky, but here is what I was able to get. Can you spot the problem?

I Don't Get It...

I made the big mistake of starting to college at the same time my son did (different schools, of course). Nursing school to be exact. I was the oldest person in nursing school, great for the ego. We were in our clinical groups one afternoon when I and another student, approximate age 19, had to move our medical mannequin from one bed to another. When we got about half way across the room with him, I at his head, her at his feet, his detachable junk fell off and hit the floor.


We started laughing and I quipped, "He's obviously not Jewish."


"How do you know?" she asked.

Dang! I wanted to be funny, not instructive.


"Because he's not circumcised," I said, completely bummed that my joke had been lost on her.


"How can you tell?" she wanted to know.


So, with one last grasp at being a comedienne, and while grasping said genitalia of our rubber patient, I said, "See how this one looks like Mort from Bazooka Joe?"


"Who's Bazooka Joe?"


And there it went. All my fantastic wit and comic timing gone forever in the crevice that is the generation gap.


Hello....ello.....ello.....ello.

Psst...don't tell anybody, but if you have entered my contest (see camera) and put Kim or Chamomile Tea in the third box, I put in a couple of additional entries for you. Remember, don't tell anybody.

Martha Said I Should

In my funk on Sunday, I was searching for a little inspiration. I'm sure you've all been there, you just need a little shot in the arm to get you going. I had watched Joel earlier that morning and, though Joel is always good for a quick pick-me-up, I was in need of something in more of a massive I.V. dose.

To make a long post short, I found the following quote from Martha Graham:
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open."
I thought this quote was apropos to bloggers since we often say to ourselves, "Should I or shouldn't I publish that?" You may be afraid people won't like it, get offended, or will think you are _____ (insert negative adjective here).

In life Martha was feisty, ornery, way out there, a big time trouble maker, a huge risk taker, but she was always searching for inspiration to keep her going. So here's your inspiration guys, publish whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want. It's your blog. If you cause a ruckus, good. That's what keeps you going. That's what keeps you young.

If you are ever in doubt, just tell yourself, "Martha said I should."

Why he loves me

Who else would rub cream on his dog's poonahnie?

I caught him in bed with two other women and I jumped in with them.

I keep him entertained with funny impressions like Vera De Milo.

I am a constant example of class and refinement. There's my gum!

Look what Emily did to her walls!
Who could sleep with that on top of you every night?

One of Those Days

As a general rule, I am always
a. easygoing
b. happy
c. cooperative
d. looking for a good time

On Sunday, I was
a. tired
b. depressed
c. short-tempered
d. a total beotch

I wanted everyone to
a. leave me alone
b. go away
c. kiss my butt
d. sit down and shut up

My dogs are the only ones who
a. love me
b. understand me
c. can tolerate me
d. know how to sit down and shut up

I sought intense therapy in the form of
a. a recliner
b. a nap
c. a television
d. my dogs


I'M CURED!!

Our First and Last Rehab

What would compel a seemingly normal family of five, who had never done a rehab project in their lives, to buy a delapidated house to fix up and use as a rental property?

I tried to pair each "before" picture with its corresponding "after".

To let you know a bit about the type of neighborhood in which this prime piece of real estate is located, I would like to share a conversation that transpired between the hubs and I one Saturday afternoon. He had just returned home from working alone at this house.

John: "Some lady said the strangest thing to me today."

Me: "Oh yeah? What?"

John: "I walked out onto the porch and this lady came up to me and said, 'Do you date?'. I said, 'No, I don't date, I'm married.' Then she just walked away."

Me: "That was no lady, Honey, that was a hooker and she was wanting to know if you were interested in paying for a little somethin' somethin'."

John: "Nuh uh."

Me, laughing: "Uh huh. Haven't you ever seen COPS?"

John: "Oh my."

Don't forget to visit Metamorphosis Monday for a lot more, and much better, before and after pictures.