A Couple of Church Jokes

Since many of us will be gracing the church with our presence at some point this weekend, I thought I would leave you with a couple of cute jokes.

NO EXCUSES SUNDAY

To make it possible for everyone to attend church Sunday, we are having a special "No Excuse Sunday".

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say that Sunday is their only day to sleep in.

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who say that the pews are too hard for them to sit on.

Doctors and nurses will be here for people who are planning to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

ADAM AND EVE

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What's wrong, Adam?"

Adam said that he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God announced he was going to make for him a companion. It would be called a woman.

"A woman?"Adam asked.

Then God described her, "She will be someone to cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to care for them. This woman will not nag you and will always be the first to admit when she is wrong. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever you need it."

"What is she going to cost me, God?" Adam asked.

"An arm and a leg," God responded.

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

Breastfeeding Joke

I loved all of the responses to the "What do they call you ?" post. All the names were so adorable, I loved reading them, but I think I'm going to have to go with Debbie at Suburb Sanity and have my grandkids (if I ever get any) call me Mimi Kim. Because that sounds like a really fun place to go, "Yay! We're going to Mimi Kim's!"

The only drawback to that name is that it doesn't sound very tough if the kid is being picked on, "If you're mean to me, I am going to have my Mimi Kim kick your butt," is probably not going to make a bully quake in his boots.

That's okay, we will leave the butt kicking to Pop Pop.

On that note, I leave you with this:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

This isn't why I want to be a Grandma but hey, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

The Secret of the CAT Scan et al.

A couple of years ago, I found myself getting a CAT scan. If you're unfamiliar, it is the one where they inject the dye into your veins and slide you through the spinning donut. As they are getting ready to inject the dye, the technician said to me, "You will probably feel very warm from the dye."

That was only a half-truth. I got very warm all right, but it zeroed in on one spot. Right between my legs.

I didn't say anything to them about it until exactly one month later, I was in the hospital and being wheeled down to get another CAT scan when I said to the little girl pushing me, "CAT scans are weird, they make your girly bits really hot."

"That only happens to some people," she said, "One day we had a teenage boy in here and, as soon as we started injecting the dye, he screamed, 'My balls are on fire! My balls are on fire!"

So if you're ever told you are going to be getting a CAT scan, be warned. You may get some heat you were not expecting. This has been a public service announcement.
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My New Do

I don't know if it was spring fever or I was just missing Big John and wanted to make him happy, but I did something drastic. This is what my hair looked like when we got married 15 years ago.
I think he has a thing for redheads, check out his dog.

So yesterday, I went through this torture.
Check out my adorable DIL in the mirror taking the picture.

And ended up with this today.

I'm diggin' it. I feel very Bohemian. "I'm just a poor boy from a poor family" Sorry, I'm a little manic today, as you can tell by all the little random posts.
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A Joke You Can Tell the Kiddies

If April showers bring May flowers, what do may flowers bring?

The pilgrims!

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Help a Girl Out

Does anybody out there know where I can find that commercial, I can't locate it on YouTube, it's for some kind of peanut butter. It was made back in the 70's I think. It's the one where the kid says, "You're weird!" then the guy says "Yeah, but I make a great peanut butter sandwich."

I don't even remember which peanut butter it was, it may have been that Goober peanut butter that had the jelly in with it.

Every day one of my kids says to me, "You're weird." And I always reply with "Yeah, but I make a great peanut butter sandwich." They never get it because they haven't seen the commercial.

So if you know where I can find it, or even the name of the brand of peanut butter, please let me know.

What do they call you?

It is no secret that I want a grandbaby and, around here at least, I mention it almost every day. I am trying to decide what I want the little stinkers to call me. If you have grandkids, what do they call you? If you don't, what do your kids call their grandparents? I have tried a couple of names on, but nothing seems to fit.

Big J was always lukewarm about the whole grandbaby thing, he felt that if we had them that was okay, but if we didn't, that was okay too. Until I asked him want he wanted to be called.

"I never thought about it," he said.

"I think you should have them call you Pop Pop," I said, "You look like a Pop Pop."

He got a big smile on his face and I swear I saw a little tear in the corner of his eye, "Yeah."

I must have gotten him on the grandbaby bandwagon with that because a week later we were in Cracker Barrel and I was oohing and aahing over all the cute kid stuff and said, "I kind of want my first grandbaby to be a girl so I can play Cinderella castles. Although, I really do enjoy playing with Lincoln Logs. Which do you want, Honey?"

"I couldn't care less," he said, "I just wish they'd through something at us."

Mwah ha ha ha...got him. He's on my side now.

Since calling me You Look Too Young To Be My Grandma Kim is too much for a little kid to say, I need to know what your grandkids call you. Or what did you call your grandparents?

What Does It For You?

I am a student of human nature. It's amazing how people are exactly alike in some ways and completely different in others, especially in what they find attractive in another person. So I hope you humor me and play along.

Fill in the blank: I really have a thing for _______. For example, I really have a thing for sexy hands. When I met my husband, I thought he had the perfect hands. I looked at those hands and thought, I can't wait to have those hands all over me. Sorry kids.

I made the mistake of telling him one day while he was hammering something out back that watching him swing that hammer with those big strong hands was gettin' me all stirred up. Now he always makes the hammering gesture and says, "This doing anything for you?" Sorry again kids.

My good friend said once, "There is just something about a guy with tanned feet. I have a thing for tanned feet, it really does it for me."

For my eldest daughter, it's smell, "Nothing turns me on more than a great smelling guy."

I asked my youngest, "Is there one thing that you really like on a guy? Like"

And before I could get it all out, she says, "Like being a vampire?"

"You need help."

"No really," she said, "it's shoulders."

"Big shoulders?"

"Yes, big, strong shoulders," she said with a sigh and a smile.

So what does it for you? I realize it's a total package, blah blah blah, but is there one thing that "does it" for you?