A Small Chocolate Twist, Please

You don't see one of these coming towards you on the street everyday. I don't know where he is going or what he is doing, or even what the hell he is for that matter, but it looks like my kind of party. Hey, where are you going? Can I get a small chocolate twist?

Does this look like the company you work for?

Redneck Woman Dirty Joke

Three redneck women were sitting on the front porch sofa one afternoon, discussing string beans and chicken feed, when the conversation got around to their husbands.

"This is gettin' purdy confusin'," said the first redneck woman, "Since all our husbands' names are Jim-Bob."

"Yeah," said the second redneck woman, "Reckon we oughtta come up with nicknames fer 'em."

"Good idear," said the third redneck woman, looking down at the bottle of Coca-Cola in her hand, "How's about we name 'em after soda pops?"

The other two nodded and, after a few minutes of thinking, the first redneck woman offered, "I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Mountain Dew', 'cause when he's doin' me, he's doin' it right."

"I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Seven Up'," said the second redneck woman, "Cause he can do me seven times and still be up for more."

"Then I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Jack Daniels'," said the third redneck woman.

"You can't name your Jim-Bob Jack Daniels," protested the other two, that's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor."

"I know," said the third redneck woman with a sly grin.

I'm Having a Baby...

...come stay with me for a week. Gotcha!

I'm so excited. Look at this little guy. Isn't he the cutest? His mommy is a friend of the family and she is bringing him on Sunday and they are staying for a little vacay. Yay!

I feel a bit sorry for the little guy, though. After spending a week with me, he will probably have a nervous condition from dodging me and chapped cheeks from the kisses I land when he is unable to get out of my way fast enough. See that worried look on his face? That was right after his mom told him about their little trip to West Chester.

After a week of my constant unwanted affection, the kid will be begging is mom to take him home, away from the crazy redhead lady. Since I got this perm, I hope I don't cause him to be riddled with a lifetime of nightmares involving insane clowns chasing him with kissy-lips.

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You know all about Papaw's big birthday bash on Saturday. He received several cards full of cash and this is what he put that money towards. That's right, a new camper. Isn't that what every 90-year-old needs for his birthday?
He did need a new one, though, his is pretty worn out. In the 60 years that he has been camping at the National Muzzle Loading Rifle Association campground in Friendship, Indiana, he has gone through 2 or 3 campers.

I'll do a post sometime on his passion for muzzle loaders and how he can throw a tomahawk and split a playing card in half. Who needs guns when you can scalp an intruder from 30 feet?

Showering for the Sexes

How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -make mental note to do more sit-ups, leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "Woo Woo!" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how it sounds like a whale surfacing.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair, making a shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "Woo Woo!" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Have a great day! And, "Woo Woo"!!!

A Big Shindig

You don't turn 90 every day, so when Papaw turned 90, we had to have a shindig. His four children rented the UAW hall and yesterday we threw a PAR-TAY!
We erected a shrine in his honor.

A picture of the Lester with the birthday boy.

The ham thief didn't know he was under surveillance. He is very stealthy and thought no one was looking when he slipped into the kitchen. Here he is trying to weigh the possible consequences of his actions.

Screw it! It's worth it. Who's the idiot that forgot to cut the tag off the back of his hat? Oh wait, that'd be me.

Yeah, baby, so worth it. So very deliciously worth it.

I don't know which is funnier, the candle falling over or the balloons growing out of my cousin's head. My super-awesome Aunt Carol is on the far left, my hilarious cousin, my sweetie pie sister-in-law, then my rockin' redhead mom. Of course Granny Grump and Papaw are at the table.

I love kids, they keep the party going. This is my cousin's youngest son. I wonder where he gets that sense of humor. Hmm....any ideas, cuz?

Just one little push and all my troubles could be over. 65 years of marriage, I've paid my dues.

Easter egg hunts are so much better with a baby. Even if they prefer dandelions over Easter eggs.

Papaw was a hard-working man. His name is on a plaque of Fisher Body (aka, GM) retirees in the union hall. He was employed for 30 years. He has now been retired for 32 years. The black dot means he is still kickin'. Thank you, God.

"How old were you when you retired, Papaw?" I asked him while we were looking at the plaque.

"I was 58," he said, "They had to shut the plant down when I left."
That's my Papaw!


This is my favorite picture of Papaw. He was around 25 years old. Those eyes! That smile! No wonder Granny Grump married him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPAW!

A Couple of Church Jokes

Since many of us will be gracing the church with our presence at some point this weekend, I thought I would leave you with a couple of cute jokes.

NO EXCUSES SUNDAY

To make it possible for everyone to attend church Sunday, we are having a special "No Excuse Sunday".

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say that Sunday is their only day to sleep in.

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who say that the pews are too hard for them to sit on.

Doctors and nurses will be here for people who are planning to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

ADAM AND EVE

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked, "What's wrong, Adam?"

Adam said that he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God announced he was going to make for him a companion. It would be called a woman.

"A woman?"Adam asked.

Then God described her, "She will be someone to cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to care for them. This woman will not nag you and will always be the first to admit when she is wrong. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever you need it."

"What is she going to cost me, God?" Adam asked.

"An arm and a leg," God responded.

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

Breastfeeding Joke

I loved all of the responses to the "What do they call you ?" post. All the names were so adorable, I loved reading them, but I think I'm going to have to go with Debbie at Suburb Sanity and have my grandkids (if I ever get any) call me Mimi Kim. Because that sounds like a really fun place to go, "Yay! We're going to Mimi Kim's!"

The only drawback to that name is that it doesn't sound very tough if the kid is being picked on, "If you're mean to me, I am going to have my Mimi Kim kick your butt," is probably not going to make a bully quake in his boots.

That's okay, we will leave the butt kicking to Pop Pop.

On that note, I leave you with this:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

This isn't why I want to be a Grandma but hey, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

The Secret of the CAT Scan et al.

A couple of years ago, I found myself getting a CAT scan. If you're unfamiliar, it is the one where they inject the dye into your veins and slide you through the spinning donut. As they are getting ready to inject the dye, the technician said to me, "You will probably feel very warm from the dye."

That was only a half-truth. I got very warm all right, but it zeroed in on one spot. Right between my legs.

I didn't say anything to them about it until exactly one month later, I was in the hospital and being wheeled down to get another CAT scan when I said to the little girl pushing me, "CAT scans are weird, they make your girly bits really hot."

"That only happens to some people," she said, "One day we had a teenage boy in here and, as soon as we started injecting the dye, he screamed, 'My balls are on fire! My balls are on fire!"

So if you're ever told you are going to be getting a CAT scan, be warned. You may get some heat you were not expecting. This has been a public service announcement.
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My New Do

I don't know if it was spring fever or I was just missing Big John and wanted to make him happy, but I did something drastic. This is what my hair looked like when we got married 15 years ago.
I think he has a thing for redheads, check out his dog.

So yesterday, I went through this torture.
Check out my adorable DIL in the mirror taking the picture.

And ended up with this today.

I'm diggin' it. I feel very Bohemian. "I'm just a poor boy from a poor family" Sorry, I'm a little manic today, as you can tell by all the little random posts.
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A Joke You Can Tell the Kiddies

If April showers bring May flowers, what do may flowers bring?

The pilgrims!

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Help a Girl Out

Does anybody out there know where I can find that commercial, I can't locate it on YouTube, it's for some kind of peanut butter. It was made back in the 70's I think. It's the one where the kid says, "You're weird!" then the guy says "Yeah, but I make a great peanut butter sandwich."

I don't even remember which peanut butter it was, it may have been that Goober peanut butter that had the jelly in with it.

Every day one of my kids says to me, "You're weird." And I always reply with "Yeah, but I make a great peanut butter sandwich." They never get it because they haven't seen the commercial.

So if you know where I can find it, or even the name of the brand of peanut butter, please let me know.

What do they call you?

It is no secret that I want a grandbaby and, around here at least, I mention it almost every day. I am trying to decide what I want the little stinkers to call me. If you have grandkids, what do they call you? If you don't, what do your kids call their grandparents? I have tried a couple of names on, but nothing seems to fit.

Big J was always lukewarm about the whole grandbaby thing, he felt that if we had them that was okay, but if we didn't, that was okay too. Until I asked him want he wanted to be called.

"I never thought about it," he said.

"I think you should have them call you Pop Pop," I said, "You look like a Pop Pop."

He got a big smile on his face and I swear I saw a little tear in the corner of his eye, "Yeah."

I must have gotten him on the grandbaby bandwagon with that because a week later we were in Cracker Barrel and I was oohing and aahing over all the cute kid stuff and said, "I kind of want my first grandbaby to be a girl so I can play Cinderella castles. Although, I really do enjoy playing with Lincoln Logs. Which do you want, Honey?"

"I couldn't care less," he said, "I just wish they'd through something at us."

Mwah ha ha ha...got him. He's on my side now.

Since calling me You Look Too Young To Be My Grandma Kim is too much for a little kid to say, I need to know what your grandkids call you. Or what did you call your grandparents?

What Does It For You?

I am a student of human nature. It's amazing how people are exactly alike in some ways and completely different in others, especially in what they find attractive in another person. So I hope you humor me and play along.

Fill in the blank: I really have a thing for _______. For example, I really have a thing for sexy hands. When I met my husband, I thought he had the perfect hands. I looked at those hands and thought, I can't wait to have those hands all over me. Sorry kids.

I made the mistake of telling him one day while he was hammering something out back that watching him swing that hammer with those big strong hands was gettin' me all stirred up. Now he always makes the hammering gesture and says, "This doing anything for you?" Sorry again kids.

My good friend said once, "There is just something about a guy with tanned feet. I have a thing for tanned feet, it really does it for me."

For my eldest daughter, it's smell, "Nothing turns me on more than a great smelling guy."

I asked my youngest, "Is there one thing that you really like on a guy? Like"

And before I could get it all out, she says, "Like being a vampire?"

"You need help."

"No really," she said, "it's shoulders."

"Big shoulders?"

"Yes, big, strong shoulders," she said with a sigh and a smile.

So what does it for you? I realize it's a total package, blah blah blah, but is there one thing that "does it" for you?