Granny Grump Dictionary

I've got to find this Wagner guy and hit him up for some royalties because this IS my grandmother. He couldn't have duplicated her better if he had lived with her all his life. She even looks like this.We have called her Granny Grump for twenty years and she doesn't mind it one bit, in fact, she likes it. She is 84 years old and has her own way of talking. I will attempt to interpret.

Didn't know whether to shit or go blind = confused

Didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of = broke

Hotter'n a two dollar pistol = stolen

Greener'n a frog = upset stomach

Half-assed = not very thoroughly

One day, after she had used one of her favorite expressions, "I'm just givin' it a lick and a promise", which means doing something half-assed, usually housework, I said to my cousin, "I don't think Granny Grump knows that really means something naughty, or else she wouldn't say it."

"Oh...she knows what it means," said my cousin.

"How do you know?" I asked.

My cousin says, "Because one day somebody told a joke about a lady who got jewelry every time she gave her husband a bj. Then I said 'I never got any jewely for giving my husband a bj'. Then Granny Grump said 'Maybe you weren't doing it right'."

Ahh....delete delete delete...thanks Cuz..delete delete...how am I ever going to get that image out of my brain?...delete delete.