Pain

A woman, aged 48, stabbed her 75 year old mother, killing her, then stabbed herself in the neck and died shortly after paramedics arrived. This happened IN MY SUBDIVISION last week. What is so postworthy about that, you wonder. First, nothing ever happens in West Chester. In fact, that is the teenage battle cry heard in every Starbucks, Burger King and movie theater, "Nothing ever happens in West Chester!"

Second, how the hell do you stab yourself in the neck? If you are going to do yourself in, there are plenty more painless ways to do it. How can a person stab themselves? That has got to hurt like an s.o.b., as we used to say. We have all seen those hospital reality shows where the guy stabs himself in the chest, then goes to the hospital with the pulsating butcher knife sticking out between his ribs and lives to tell about it. Couldn't he think of something less painful?

I get a paper cut and I'm calling the doctor for some Vicodin. I clip my toenail too short and I'm getting the Neosporin, a bandaid, and sympathy for two days. "Ahh, Emmie, mommie can't get up. I clipped my toenail too short. Would you get me a Diet Coke?"

The dentist? I never go, and when I am forced to, I go to the guy that gives me the happy nose. That's right, getting a cleaning? The happy nose. "But ma'am, you're just here to pay your bill." I don't care!! Give me the nitrous!

The Question of the Day: If Viagra works by making the body produce Nitric Oxide (NO), and a guy goes to the dentist and gets Nitrous Oxide (N2O), does he get an erection while he's getting his teeth filled? "Hey Mr. Smith...looks like you got a little happy nose of your own!"