Friday, March 20, 2009

Flashback Friday

Everybody go over to Tara's at TMI and join in on the Flashback Friday fun. Her blog is always interesting, never boring, her daughter is a cutie patootie and Tara is gorgeous.

This picture is a very good example of my teenage brattiness. I was 13 when we moved from town to our house "out in the country". And it was. It was a little house with several outbuildings on five acres stuck right smack dab in the middle of a cornfield, about a 20 minute drive into town.

When we moved, I took my little dog with me. She was a stray I had picked up in town, a small, yellow dog with longish hair.

One day, when we came home, there were three strange dogs wandering around behind our house.

"Do NOT let your dog out," my mom said, "She is evidently in heat."

Isn't that amazing how dogs can smell that from miles away and find their way to your house? I had never seen any of these dogs before. There were only 4 other houses on this road and I was pretty sure that those dogs didn't belong to any of them.

"When you put her out to go to the bathroom, lock her in the chicken coop until she's done," she said, "The last thing we need is a litter of puppies."

Puppies?! Did she say puppies?! Puppies! Puppies! I love puppies! Yay puppies!

"Okay," I said.

No sooner had she left for work the next morning, I doubt she was out of the driveway, in my juvenile selfishness, I let the dog out. That poor little dog.

Two months later, this was what we got:

If you count them, there are 11, not quite an even dozen. That little dog's belly was so massive, when she rolled over for me to rub it, she couldn't get turned back upright. I did feel guilty after she had them and her little belly was covered with scratches and hickeys. But fortunately, because we knew so many people from having the store, we were able to find good homes for all of them. Being from a small town, you know the good homes from the bad.

Did you know that dogs can have more than one baby daddy? If you look at that picture, some of them looked like border collies, some looked like beagles, and I think there may have been a couple of cocker spaniels.

P.S. Mom wanted to kill me.

Hey, Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans......hahahah

Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Favorite Dirty Joke

I have heard many dirty jokes over the years, but this one is by far my favorite. You have to picture two southern belles sitting on the front porch of a huge Georgian mansion having a private conversation away from the crowd. You have to read it with a heavy, southern, Scarlett O'Hara accent.

Beth: "Did you know, that up north (say nawth), they have men that kiss other men's genitals....and they call them gay?"

Mary, rapidly flipping her lace fan : "Oh my."

Beth, leaning in a little further: "And did you know, that up nawth, they have women who kiss other women's genitals...and they call them lesbians?"

Mary, fanning herself more rapidly: "Oh my!"

Beth: "And did you know, that up nawth, they have men who kiss women's genitals?"

Mary, abruptly stopping her fanning: "Well, what do they call them?"

Beth: "I don't know. But when I was up nawth...and I caught my breath...I called him Precious!"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Variety Pack

Back in January, I was visiting my son at his house. We were sitting around the kitchen table, waiting for my DIL to get home from work, when my son looks up and says, "Ooh, look at that gigantic cobweb." He gets up from the table and proceeds to do the following:

This definitely fell under the, "Hang on, I gotta get a picture of this," category. I think I was prouder of him at that moment than I was when he graduated from college (kidding). He got up and cleared the cobwebs and didn't wait for his wife to get home and do it. Ladies, don't give up on these boys, here is proof that there is hope after all.

My oldest daughter, Leslie (we call her Les or Lester if we want to annoy her), is a Scrabble addict. She is also cutthroat, she wants to win at whatever the cost and if she doesn't (which is rare), you will be playing again. Emily, who is her complete polar opposite, would rather have her fingernails ripped out than to play Scrabble.
On this day, Emily looked over Leslie's shoulder and said, "Oh look, you can almost spell platypus. That's my third favorite word."

Okay, I'll bite, I said, "What's your first favorite?"

"Biscuit. Then face."

"You know what?" I said, "I don't even want to know."

"Biscuit because it rolls off your tongue. Say it with me bissssssss kit. Face because you can put any word in front of it. And platypus, well, who doesn't love platypus?"


If you are a grown-up and only if you are a grown-up, and you like Twilight, you will love this book. You think the cover looks hot, you should read what's inside. It's an adult vampire novel and it is goooooood.

There is a disclaimer on the back. Ooh la la!

Yesterday, the weather was so wonderful, in the 70's, we couldn't bear to stay indoors, so we thought we would go play a little miniature golf. I caught sight of something I have never seen before and will probably never see again.

If you knew how these girls fight, you would know that seeing this was about as likely as seeing the Loch Ness Monster. I frantically dug in my purse looking for my camera, fearing it would disappear just as quickly.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Pet Rats and Thank-you Daddy

Warning: This post contains dirty words. If you are offended by cuss words, please do not continue reading.

I am going to convey a conversation that we had with some friends over the summer as closely as I can remember it. I have never laughed so hard at anything in my life that wasn't done by professionals on the comedy channel.

What made it so funny to me is that I am a very shy person. When I am in public, I don't ever like to draw attention to myself by talking loud or cussing and even when we are just together here with friends there are certain words I wouldn't say. I say them in front of my immediate family, of course, but that's it. This particular couple is the exact opposite. They are full of loud stories and they always crack me up.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Tina: "When we lived over on Xyz Street, those kids next door had a couple of pet rats. Yuck. I don't know why you would ever want a rat for a pet in the first place. One day, they got out of their cage."

Me: "Ew."

Tina: "They only caught one of them, and the other one was loose for a long time."

Me: "Ugh."

Tina: "One morning, I got up to go to the bathroom and, just as I was sitting down on the toilet, I looked over and saw that big rat sitting there, sitting straight up looking right at me. I screamed as loud as I could for Mark and it ran away."

Mark: "That was because that big pussy scared it away."

Uncontrollable laughter from John and me. Partly because it was funny, partly because we couldn't believe he said it.

Tina: "Marcus!!"

Mark: "That was some Tom and Jerry shit right there, man, I tell ya."
I can't think about that without laughing. And I still can't believe he said it.


I got a package in the mail today. I wasn't expecting anything, but when I saw the return address was from Florida, I knew it was from my dad. I opened it, and inside was a bunch of Estee Lauder stuff.

Inside that orange bag, there is a bunch of makeup samples. I looked all through the bag and didn't find a note or card or anything. No big surprise, there never is, that's how he operates.

Hmm, why did he send me this out of the clear, blue's not my birthday or anything...he must have just been thinking about me...aww, that is so sweet...thank-you, daddy...I love you, daddy.

Wait a minute...hold the phone...I know what you're up know it is almost spring break time for the want us to come to Florida...I'm on to you Mister...I've got your are sooo think you know how to press my think you can spend 100 bucks on some sweet surprises and then I will spend 1,000 on a trip for me and the girls to come to Florida...I am so onto you.

See you next month...

Monday, March 16, 2009

Been Gone Too Long

When John was home, he admitted something to me that he shouldn't have. I didn't see it, so he could have gotten away with it without me ever finding out. He had to know it would end up on my blog mwah...ha...ha...ha.

I was standing at the kitchen sink, finishing the last of the dishes. I had the little light on above my head.

J: "I think I've been away from home too much."

Me: "What do you mean?"

J: "I re-wired that light yesterday."

Me: "Why?"

J: "I flipped the switch and it didn't come on, so I put a new lightbulb in it."

Me: "Yeah."

J: "It still didn't come on, so I took the switch apart and check it and tightened the wires."

Me: "You did? Where was I?"

J: "You were in the shower. Then, I tried the switch again and it still didn't work, so I took the light fixture down. I checked the wires and pulled them off and re-wired the light. It still didn't work."

Me: "It's working fine now."

J: "I know... I was flipping the wrong switch."

Me: "Hahahahah."

J: "I was flipping the one on the left that controls the dishwasher and nothing was happening."

Me: "Hahahaha, yeah, it's the one on the right behind the coffee pot."

J: "Yeah, I know."

Me: "We've lived here for 15 years."

J: "I think I've been away from home too long."

Yeah...that's it.