Saturday, April 18, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Small Chocolate Twist, Please

You don't see one of these coming towards you on the street everyday. I don't know where he is going or what he is doing, or even what the hell he is for that matter, but it looks like my kind of party. Hey, where are you going? Can I get a small chocolate twist?
Does this look like the company you work for?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Redneck Woman Dirty Joke

Three redneck women were sitting on the front porch sofa one afternoon, discussing string beans and chicken feed, when the conversation got around to their husbands.

"This is gettin' purdy confusin'," said the first redneck woman, "Since all our husbands' names are Jim-Bob."

"Yeah," said the second redneck woman, "Reckon we oughtta come up with nicknames fer 'em."

"Good idear," said the third redneck woman, looking down at the bottle of Coca-Cola in her hand, "How's about we name 'em after soda pops?"

The other two nodded and, after a few minutes of thinking, the first redneck woman offered, "I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Mountain Dew', 'cause when he's doin' me, he's doin' it right."

"I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Seven Up'," said the second redneck woman, "Cause he can do me seven times and still be up for more."

"Then I'm gonna name my Jim-Bob 'Jack Daniels'," said the third redneck woman.

"You can't name your Jim-Bob Jack Daniels," protested the other two, that's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor."

"I know," said the third redneck woman with a sly grin.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm Having a Baby...

...come stay with me for a week. Gotcha!

I'm so excited. Look at this little guy. Isn't he the cutest? His mommy is a friend of the family and she is bringing him on Sunday and they are staying for a little vacay. Yay!

I feel a bit sorry for the little guy, though. After spending a week with me, he will probably have a nervous condition from dodging me and chapped cheeks from the kisses I land when he is unable to get out of my way fast enough. See that worried look on his face? That was right after his mom told him about their little trip to West Chester.
After a week of my constant unwanted affection, the kid will be begging is mom to take him home, away from the crazy redhead lady. Since I got this perm, I hope I don't cause him to be riddled with a lifetime of nightmares involving insane clowns chasing him with kissy-lips.
You know all about Papaw's big birthday bash on Saturday. He received several cards full of cash and this is what he put that money towards. That's right, a new camper. Isn't that what every 90-year-old needs for his birthday?
He did need a new one, though, his is pretty worn out. In the 60 years that he has been camping at the National Muzzle Loading Rifle Association campground in Friendship, Indiana, he has gone through 2 or 3 campers.
I'll do a post sometime on his passion for muzzle loaders and how he can throw a tomahawk and split a playing card in half. Who needs guns when you can scalp an intruder from 30 feet?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Showering for the Sexes

How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -make mental note to do more sit-ups, leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "Woo Woo!" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how it sounds like a whale surfacing.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair, making a shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "Woo Woo!" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Have a great day! And, "Woo Woo"!!!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

A Big Shindig

You don't turn 90 every day, so when Papaw turned 90, we had to have a shindig. His four children rented the UAW hall and yesterday we threw a PAR-TAY!
We erected a shrine in his honor.

A picture of the Lester with the birthday boy.

The ham thief didn't know he was under surveillance. He is very stealthy and thought no one was looking when he slipped into the kitchen. Here he is trying to weigh the possible consequences of his actions.

Screw it! It's worth it. Who's the idiot that forgot to cut the tag off the back of his hat? Oh wait, that'd be me.

Yeah, baby, so worth it. So very deliciously worth it.

I don't know which is funnier, the candle falling over or the balloons growing out of my cousin's head. My super-awesome Aunt Carol is on the far left, my hilarious cousin, my sweetie pie sister-in-law, then my rockin' redhead mom. Of course Granny Grump and Papaw are at the table.

I love kids, they keep the party going. This is my cousin's youngest son. I wonder where he gets that sense of humor. Hmm....any ideas, cuz?

Just one little push and all my troubles could be over. 65 years of marriage, I've paid my dues.

Easter egg hunts are so much better with a baby. Even if they prefer dandelions over Easter eggs.

Papaw was a hard-working man. His name is on a plaque of Fisher Body (aka, GM) retirees in the union hall. He was employed for 30 years. He has now been retired for 32 years. The black dot means he is still kickin'. Thank you, God.
"How old were you when you retired, Papaw?" I asked him while we were looking at the plaque.
"I was 58," he said, "They had to shut the plant down when I left."
That's my Papaw!

This is my favorite picture of Papaw. He was around 25 years old. Those eyes! That smile! No wonder Granny Grump married him.