Saturday, March 28, 2009

7 Weird Things

Randi, over at Foreign Quang tagged me for this meme. I was supposed to do 7 facts about me. But I figured you guys already knew more about me than you ever really wanted to, so I changed it to 7 weird facts about me.

There are many rules I am supposed to follow for this meme, but since I'm a nonconformist, and I don't want to put anyone on the spot, I am not going to follow them. I hope everyone who reads this post will play along. You can do 7 facts of any type you like, they don't have to be weird.

  1. I was born during a lunar eclipse. At least this is what I was told, I don't really remember it.
  2. My favorite emotion is laughing and being grossed out at the same time.
  3. I don't like making left hand turns and if there is more than two lanes of traffic to cross, I will turn right and "go around the block".
  4. I believe that Mel Brooks and Carol Burnett were comedic geniuses that should have gotten together and had little super-human baby comedic geniuses.
  5. I like weird movies that nobody else likes.
  6. If someone tells me not to read or see something because it is too controversial, then I absolutely have to do it. I can't stop myself.
  7. I cannot tolerate gruesome, bloody, violent movies, especially torture movies and I don't understand parents who won't let their kids watch a movie where a man touches a woman's breast, but they will let them watch movies where they cut it off with a chainsaw.

Here is a picture John sent me of some guys he works with.

Can you imagine the conversation that went along with the ordering of this cake?
"Duh...let me see if I got this right. wanted...uhhh...Best Wishes Suzanne....and underneat that....uhhh...we will miss you?"

Friday, March 27, 2009

Oops! He did it again Part 2

Remember when I did this post back in January when my son got back from his cruise, where he saw a man have a heart attack at the airport? And I told you that he has found himself in the middle of the action on several occasions?


He saw this accident yesterday as it actually happened. The elderly woman driving the car came out of it unscathed, fortunately.
After the last post, he left a comment that I had forgotten about the time when he, along with his sister, saw that girl get t-boned and pulled her out of her car, unconscience, with blood coming out of her eyes.
I would like to tell you how many times this has happened to him, but I have lost count. The kid should be a journalist and carry a video camera with him everywhere.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Granny Grump Dictionary

I've got to find this Wagner guy and hit him up for some royalties because this IS my grandmother. He couldn't have duplicated her better if he had lived with her all his life. She even looks like this.We have called her Granny Grump for twenty years and she doesn't mind it one bit, in fact, she likes it. She is 84 years old and has her own way of talking. I will attempt to interpret.

Didn't know whether to shit or go blind = confused

Didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of = broke

Hotter'n a two dollar pistol = stolen

Greener'n a frog = upset stomach

Half-assed = not very thoroughly

One day, after she had used one of her favorite expressions, "I'm just givin' it a lick and a promise", which means doing something half-assed, usually housework, I said to my cousin, "I don't think Granny Grump knows that really means something naughty, or else she wouldn't say it."

"Oh...she knows what it means," said my cousin.

"How do you know?" I asked.

My cousin says, "Because one day somebody told a joke about a lady who got jewelry every time she gave her husband a bj. Then I said 'I never got any jewely for giving my husband a bj'. Then Granny Grump said 'Maybe you weren't doing it right'."

Ahh....delete delete delete...thanks Cuz..delete am I ever going to get that image out of my brain?...delete delete.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Note from the Grave and a Question

I went to the thrift store yesterday to look for books. They have a lot of books, I was there an hour and didn't poke through even half of them. They just throw them on the shelves, they don't sort them or censor them or anything so you can find some weird and funny stuff there and, I'm not afraid to say, I dig me some weird and funny.

I picked up a couple of titles that caught my attention, writings I will regale you with in future posts, no doubt, and inside one small paperback, was this note. I found it deep in the middle of the book, close to the spine, typed on a notecard, now yellowed around the edges.

In case you can't read it, it says:
"Hope you both enjoy this as much as we have. Its good stuff too. Sorry my time is spent as I sure could have won a lot more of the tiffs than I did. Love, Dad."

I guess Dad thought that the kid, now grown and married, would read his books after he died and find this note. The kid must not have been too interested in Dad's books because this note probably would have been kept had it been found.

I am glad it wasn't found, because I really like this guy. Not only does he have a great sense of humor, it's a morbid one to boot. Awesome.


Ladieeeees and Gennnnnnntlemen, it's time to play WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?

You are in line, with your spouse and daughter, to pay at a buffet style restaurant. Your daughter, age 17, orders a cup of coffee as her drink. The lady getting the drinks looks accusingly at her and at you and, with a look of disgust, says to her, "Aren't you too young to be drinking coffee?" As her parent, what would you have said?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Matt Damon Does Matthew McConaughey

I hope you guys haven't seen this video yet, I haven't seen it on any other blogs. It makes me smile every time I watch it. It may be because I think Matt Damon looks a bit like my son.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Vanilla Post

The video I posted earlier today, which I found on YouTube, apparently was upsetting to some readers, so, since that is not the purpose of my blog, I deleted it.

I will return with a post tomorrow that is more vanilla and acceptable to all.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

My Favorite Clean Joke

I shared my favorite dirty joke so here's my favorite clean one:

A couple of years ago, my uncle died. My aunt didn't have enough money to pay for the funeral herself, so she asked my father for help.

"Of course, I'll help," Dad said, "I'll pay for the entire funeral."

So dad ended up paying for the entire funeral because he didn't want my aunt to be financially strapped. About a month later, dad started getting these bills in the mail, from my aunt, for a little over a hundred dollars.

He called my aunt and said, "Listen, I didn't mind paying for the funeral, but what are these bills for over a hundred dollars a month?"

"Oh that," my aunt said, "yeah...I buried him in a rented tux."